Rumors of Our Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated (Possibly by the Illuminati)

Why hello there. Did ya miss me? It’s okay to lie.

I haven’t been blogging as much the last couple months because I’ve been going to graduate school for social work, which means I’ve been basically learning how to help people. And, although it might pain us all to admit it, helping people is waaaaaay more important than writing about music. But now I’m on winter break and can start doing really unimportant things like playing Orcs Must Die! and listening to (and writing about) music with the same obsessive glee that spawned this here blarg to begin with.

We’ll get into some year-end madness fairly soon, although what that will look like is still being determined by our general level of ambition. I had the thought today, while Zac, Justin and I were arguing via email about the best albums of the year, that it might be fun to have a drunken podcast wherein we do in person what we did via email. Don’t get too excited – the idea of a Bollocks! podcast has been bandied about before with less-than-tangible results. I’m just saying it’s a thing that might be fun. Like turning on the news without hearing the words “Newt” and “Gingrich” so fucking much. That asshole said Palestinians are an “invented” people. Guess what? Americans are an invented people. As soon as you name your nation and call yourself a member of that nation, you’re part of an invented people. But I can’t expect Na-Ginga (credit for that nickname, I believe, goes to David Letterman) to understand that because he’s a fucking moron.

Speaking of fucking morons (yeah, that’s how I chose to segue back to music talk. You did miss me, didn’t you?), you may recall from last year’s epic, two-part Bollocks! Awards that I handed out an award for being the biggest asshole in music. Well, I don’t know if we’ll do the awards again this year (I think we might), so I thought I’d hand one award out now, just in case. I am completely not surprised at all to be handing the John Mayer Award for Being a Shamelessly Stupid Prat to Korn’s Jonathan Davis.

By now, you’ve probably heard that Davis thinks Barack Obama is “an Illuminati puppet,” which is a pretty good assertion to make if you’re in a band that hasn’t been relevant in twelve years (or good, um, ever) and you need to spark a minor controversy in order to move some units. It’s not even worth debating the (ahem) “facts” of Davis’s statement because to do so might release collateral retardation upon the general public. I’ll just leave it at this: Davis asserts that Obama has made America “the worst it’s ever been,” which is just the sort of thing you might expect to hear from a privileged, wealthy, white rock (ahem ahem) musician. Or, you know, Glenn Beck. I guess Mr. Korn is unaware of how African Americans have been treated throughout this country’s history, or that there was a Great Depression. Look: if you really think things in this country are the worst they’ve ever been and you’re just sitting around making shitty (ahem ahem ahem) dubstep-influenced albums, you should maybe get your priorities in order.

The fact that Davis wrote a song called “Illuminati” to make the assertion that Barack Obama is an Illuminati puppet means one of two things, both of which are pretty bad. One, it means Davis really believes in all that conspiracy bullshit about the Illuminati and that he thinks exposing Obama through (shitty) song is going to blow the lid off of said conspiracy. Or, more likely, Davis wants to sound all anti-establishment and is too fucking lazy to actually find some policy positions with which to disagree with our president. To be clear, I don’t think everyone should like Obama – honestly, I’ve got more important shit to do than worry about whether you voted for the guy I voted for. But Davis’s pseudo-political crap is so mind-bogglingly stupid that the best thing I can hope for is that he’s just a whore and not an idiot.

But Jonathan Davis isn’t done being stupid to promote Korn’s new The Path of Totality. In addition to claiming that Barack Obama is being controlled by… who the fuck are the Illuminati anyway?

Whatever. Who cares?

Anyway, in addition to claiming the dumbest shit you’ve ever heard about Barack Obama, Jonathan Davis has now decided that Korn invented dubstep. I don’t know much about dubstep, but I’m pretty sure Korn didn’t invent it. In fact, I’m pretty sure Korn never invented anything. All they ever did was mix together a bunch of different flavors of mostly rock music and they did that impressively badly. All of their songs sound, to me anyway, like a gorilla trying to rape one of its own turds. To say they invented any genre of music is like buying a box of cake mix, mixing it with feces, and claiming you invented cake.

So for being dumb on a positively Mayer-esque level, the Illuminati and I proud to present Korn’s Jonathan Davis with the freshly-invented John Mayer Award for Being a Shamelessly Stupid Prat.

It’s good to be back.



2 thoughts on “Rumors of Our Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated (Possibly by the Illuminati)

  1. Great to have you back! I’m glad you chose to hand out that award early. It is richly-deserved.

  2. It is SO good to have you back. I need more snark in my life.

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