Jesus Christ Returns… to Bollocks!

As I reported yesterday, an Oakland octogenarian named Harold Camping has predicted that Jesus Christ would return on May 21st, 2011. Which is, you know, today. And now, per the email He sent me Himself, Jesus Christ has returned to Bollocks! I will now turn this post over to him so he can judge the shit out of us. I hope you’ve been good. 

Hi, everybody. There seems to have been some confusion as to the nature of my “return,” probably because Harold Camping is not the devoted Bollocks! reader that he should be. I have come back to render some judgments, but they’re almost all to do with music. I’m not taking anyone to Heaven with me today and I have to get back soon for my free-for-all cage match with Randy Savage and Andre the Giant. But by all means, any planned Rapture/End of the World parties should continue as scheduled. Chorpenning worked hard yesterday to provide you with a soundtrack for your party, although he forgot Cake’s “Jesus Wrote a Blank Check,” which is one of my favorite songs about me.

So but anyway, I have some judgments that I wanted to pass on here, so that, if necessary, you guys can adjust your behavior accordingly. Remember, if you don’t do what I say, you will spend all of eternity roasting in a lake of fire. Just kidding. We turned Hell into a nudist colony (it has the best hot springs!) centuries ago. Bad people still get punished, but I’m not gonna tell you how because you people have exhibited a bizarre tendency to fetishize the eternal damnation of your fellows human beings and that shit is not healthy, psychologically speaking.

Judgment 1. Auto-Tune is evil. It should never be used in music. Ever. I don’t care if you’re using it as some sort of aesthetic device, it always sounds like shit. So if you’ve ever had any faith in me at all, believe me when I tell you that I didn’t spend my last Friday nailed to some pieces of wood so that you could digitally fuck the life out of all of your music. No more Auto-Tune!

Judgment 2. This is not controversial or anything, but I should like to state, officially and on the record, that John Coltrane was a true genius (sorry about the video quality in the link, but you can hear the music just fine and you should). My Dad and I were talking the other day and He still says that A Love Supreme is one of the nicest gifts anyone’s ever given Him.

Judgment 3. I know Chorpenning doesn’t want us to talk about it, but I’m giving a special dispensation to the kid who did that “Friday” song. Yes, the song sucks balls. But she’s thirteen and the only thirteen-year-old who has ever written a decent song was Mozart. When I heard that people were making stupid internet threats against the “Friday” kid, I was pretty sad. Not for her, though; no, I was sad for the kind of massive fucking failures who spend their time threatening violence against kids who are just trying to have a good time by singing a bad song.

Judgment 4.  Chorpenning was a little hard on Julian Casablancas. But, in the interest of fairness, I don’t approve of the way Casablancas approached the recording of Angles either. I get why he did it, sort of, but it seems like a really indirect way to solve a problem. I quite enjoyed JC’s (okay, I also like his initials) solo album and I’m a little puzzled as to why he’d go back to the Strokes if their relationship has become so strained.

Judgment 5. This one is for the rappers, and it’s kind of a three-pronged judgment. First off, the homophobia and misogyny isn’t shocking and it just makes you sound stupid. I’m not saying that all rappers have those things in their lyrics and I also treat every song on a case-by-case basis. If you’re inhabiting a fucked up character, he might say fucked up things (like the narrator of Randy Newman’s “Rednecks”), and that might be acceptable. Second: no more skits. For anyone. Even DOOM. They’re annoying, especially if you bought an album because you want to hear a skilled rapper kick awesome rhymes. Which brings me to my third prong: No more rapping about what a great rapper you are. If you can’t find something interesting to say, maybe you should take a songwriting class.  It’s okay to talk about yourself, but I know from experience that you catch more flies with humility. If you are a rapper and want a good example to follow, check out the last Brother Ali record.

Judgment 5.5. For the record, I’m also a huge fan of Common.

Judgment 6. This is a little embarrassing since, to some degree, it concerns me. I am not a fan of the Christian rock. I know bands like Pillar, Stellar Kart, P.O.D., and that guy who was in Korn are just trying to sing my praises and that’s cool. But why does the music have to be so bloody awful? Being emo for Jesus is still being emo and the vaguely erotic nature of a lot of these lyrics is a little disturbing to me. Tom Waits wrote great songs about me and the Hold Steady (my favorite band) seems to understand me better than any of the so-called Christian bands I’ve heard.

Some of the dead musicians in Heaven asked me to pass on some requests to you as well. Stevie Ray Vaughan has asked that you please stop comparing John Mayer to him unless you are saying the exact sentence, “Holy fucking shit, if Stevie Ray Vaughan were alive today, he’d beat John Mayer to death with a Stratocaster.” Obviously, I’m a non-violent guy so I’m not making this a commandment or anything. I’m just telling you what Stevie Ray asked me to tell you. Robert Johnson has requested that you please re-release his recorded material at the proper (slower) speed. Joe Strummer just asked me to see how everyone’s doing down here and to make sure you’re all exhibiting exemplary manners towards your fellow human beings. Strummer’s a class act.

I have one more judgment to make and it’s the only one that doesn’t have to do with music. Judgment 7 has to do with the gays (or the Takeis, as they are now known in Tennessee). There’s been a lot of heated debate about where I stand on this issue so I’ve decided, since you’re all dressed up for Judgment Day anyhow, to settle it once and for all. You do not choose who you love. None of us do. Attraction is a complicated chemical/hormonal thing (okay, I’m not a scientist) and to treat the acts of consenting, loving adults as some sort of evil lifestyle choice is a real sin. Do you honestly think, as a living, breathing man, I would have chosen to love everyone? That means that I even love Donald Trump! So the official word from me, Jesus Hold Steady Christ, is that it is 100% okay to be gay. Love is more sacred than marriage (“He who is without love does not know God for God is love,” motherfuckers) and when it brings consenting adults together, only a real asshole would condemn that.

So to wrap up this Rapture business, I thought I made it abundantly clear in my year-end review of 2010 that, as the Poet Laureate of Awesomeness, Craig Finn, wrote: “Heaven is whenever/ we can get together/ sit down on your floor/ and listen to your records.” So find some tunes, some friends, some snacks, and some brews and enjoy your time with each other. As the son of God, I command you to enjoy your Saturday and try not to be too hard on that Harold Camping guy. Math was never my strong suit either.

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One thought on “Jesus Christ Returns… to Bollocks!

  1. Pingback: “YOU WILL DIE SOON” « Bollocks!

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