A Musical Wishlist: Things I’d Like to See in Music in the Near Future

People, especially people who write about music, like to talk about the best albums of a given year or the best albums of a given decade or make predictions about the future of music and that’s all fine, as far as it goes. But I’m selfish (and bored – still trying to sit through the new Sage Francis record a few more times and find a more creative way to praise the new Black Keys album) and I’ve got some time to kill, so I thought I’d share with you my wishlist of things I want to see happen in music in the next 10 years. Though some of these things might strike you as comical, I assure you that I would be overjoyed if any or all of them happened pretty much as I describe them here.

1. A Coldplay song called “Pussy Magnet”. No one would see this coming, and it could have the dual meaning of suggesting that Chris Martin gets frequently laid but also inspires lots of other sensitive, piano-playing guys who mumble really shoddy lyrics and try real hard to sound like Bono.

2. A collaboration between the Black Keys and Sharon Jones, produced by Danger Mouse. I just really want this to happen. I believe you could become spontaneously enlightened listening to something like that.

3. A Chris Brown cover of Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up.”

4. A Delgados reunion. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Delgados were the most underrated band ever, and they should get back together and come to Los Angeles and play 1000 sold-out gigs in my living room.

5. Mel Gibson’s Drunken, Racist Christmas Album. Every song would be about half of a traditional Christmas carol and then it would just devolve into rants about Jews, black people, and fake titties.

6. Kid Rock and Ted Nugent gay-married in Massachusetts. They’re basically the same uninformed, obnoxious idiot. Why not just have done with it and get married? Toby Keith can be the maid of honor.

7. A track-for-track tribute to the Band’s Music from Big Pink by My Morning Jacket. Obvious? Perhaps. Awesome? Definitely!

8. A cover of Jim Carroll’s “People Who Died” by the Hold Steady. Again, both obvious and awesome. Also, probably a lot more likely than the My Morning Jacket thing.

9. A good Elvis Costello record. When I Was Cruel came out in like 2002 and it was Elvis’s best album since This Year’s Model. So I know he’s got at least one more in him.

10. A reissue of Robert Johnson’s recordings at the proper speed. We now know that we’ve been listening to Robert Johnson too fast. It seems pretty necessary, then, to reissue his complete recordings at the proper speed. So we can here what we’ve been missing all these years. This is a wish as well as a prediction, though, because I’m pretty sure someone will want to release the correct recordings and take the money of Johnson fanatics like myself.

11. Metallica’s bitter, public breakup. At the Grammys or something. Wherein we learn that Lars Ulrich can’t take a shit without a click track.

12.  A productive Libertines reunion. The Libertines made two pretty good albums and were a pretty good band. If Pete Doherty can stop being an asshole for long enough, they could one day even be a great band. Just keep Mick Jones as a producer.

13. John Mayer resigns from music in disgrace. And issues a public apology for pretty much every note he’s ever played. Then makes daily visits to the graves of Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughan and makes tearful apologies to them. For the rest of his life.

14. Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson record an album of duets called White Guys Love this Shit! How many white guys have been inspired by Mraz and Johnson to pick up acoustic guitars and strum their own little ditties? Too goddamn many, that’s how many. After making this album, I hope Johnson and Mraz’s insipidness reaches critical mass and explodes, causing them to lose the use of their singing and strumming parts for good.

15. Everyone just forgets about Kiss. Did you ever see that movie Blindness? Almost everyone in the world goes blind spontaneously. That’s what I want to happen to all of us with regards to Kiss. At the end of the movie (spoiler alert), everyone’s sight comes back, so it’s not a perfect analogy. I want everyone – even the members of Kiss – to forget Kiss forever.

16. NASA broadcasts the Flaming Lips’ Zaireeka album out into the universe in an attempt to find intelligent life on other planets. This is pretty self-explanatory. Right?

17. My Chemical Romance gets into a bloody fist fight on stage over whether or not they’re a bunch of pretentious emo assclowns. This would, of course, have to result in the breakup of the band. And, no matter who wins this fight, My Chemical Romance gets hurt. Which means we all win, really. (And, for the record, they are a bunch of pretentious emo assclowns.)

18.  Congress passes a new law: if you ink a deal to sell your new album exclusively at Best Buy, your album will come with a sticker that says, “If you see any member of this band walking down the street – ever – it’s perfectly legal to punch them in the face eight times.” I hate bands who bitch in interviews about how downloading is killing the record industry and then, with no trace of irony, drive a few nails into the industry’s coffin themselves by refusing to sell their music in actual music stores. And before I get a bunch of comments about how dead the record industry is and how it deserves to be so, please note that this is about the hypocrisy of the artists involved and not the industry itself.

19. Another DangerDoom album. With or without the Adult Swim characters, I want a follow-up to The Mouse and the Mask. Badly.

20. Having retired LCD Soundsystem at the end of 2010, James Murphy sets about recording more awesome Joy Division covers. This would be of great benefit to humankind. Have you heard his version of “No Love Lost”? It’s fucking awesome!

So there’s 20 musical things I hope will happen in the next few years. I’ll get back to normal reviewish stuff later this week (probably). Until then, remember: just because you’re a white guy, it doesn’t mean you have to like Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson. Resist!

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