John Mayer: Enough Already

I know this is fish-in-a-barrel stuff here, but let me tell you where I’m at right now: last week, the hot water in our apartment building lost pressure in a serious way. Formerly warm showers became farces of soaped-up huddling under a trickle of hottish water. As of today, the hot water is simply gone. I was told it would be fixed yesterday. It wasn’t. My major goal this morning is to drive across town and use my friends’ shower. But first, I’m listening to the Future of the Left really loud and taking a minute to offer some thoughts on John Mayer.

Mayer has made “news” recently for saying some of the dumbest shit you’ve ever heard in an interview with Playboy. Apparently, Mayer thinks that he has a “hood pass” and, in his infinite wisdom he used the word “nigger” when talking about it. After talking about how much black people love him. Which is pretty ironic, considering that John Mayer is famous for watering down music that black people invented because Mayer’s ancestors (and mine, and many of yours) fucking enslaved them. So, in John Mayer’s mind, there’s Robert Johnson and then there’s John Mayer. And I know an astute person will point to the YouTube video of Mayer playing with B.B. King, but I would argue that B.B. King has been playing corporate white blues for the better part of my life now. Don’t believe me? Go back and listen to Robert Johnson and Son House and Leadbelly. That shit is raw. It’s broken. It’s sexual. It is everything “Your Body is A Wonderland” is not, in other words.

And I know Mayer is all contrite on Twitter now but his crimes go far beyond his inexplicable use of a racial slurs and he knows it (I need to clear the deck on something here too: I’ve met white people who say things like, “If rappers say the word ‘nigger’, why can’t I?” Well, I’ll tell you why, Sparky. “Nigger” is a word that white people forced upon black people when we stole them from their home country, took them to ours, and treated them worse than cattle. If black people want to take that word now and use it to their own purposes, that’s their business. I would guess that there are a large number of black people who wish the word would just go away [like I wish John Mayer would just go away], but either way, the white race used up its quota on the word long before any of us were born. And, by the way, the use of the word “nigger” has cast a social stigma on the non-racist word “niggardly”, which means “1. grudging and petty in giving or spending” or “2. Meanly small; scanty or meager.” The latter, I’m guessing, would adequately describe John Mayer’s “white supremacist” dick). This guy has publicly demonstrated that he is irredeemably stuck up his own ass time and time again . In his Playboy interview, Mayer says, “I’m a very… I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, I’m a douche bag.” Well, John Mayer, since it’s impossible for you to be a word that modifies an adjective (his statement is equivalent to saying, “Wow, that girl is just extremely!”), I guess we have to go with Column B there.

But this is a music blog and we should discuss, in fairness, John Mayer’s (*cough*gag*cough*) music. Exhibits A-Z for the prosecution will be “Waiting On the World to Change,” which is exactly the sort of half-informed, mealy-mouthed, “it’s all gonna be fine if only we don’t do anything” pseudo-anthem that leads me to believe that John Mayer should be beaten to death with his own niggardly ball sack. The song is basically about how Mayer and all his friends are going to wait until all the bad people die off and then his “generation/ is gonna rule the population.” Great. A generation of corporate, Wonder-Bread blues kids are just waiting in the wings, to lead us into a brave new world of 65 calorie beer, Jay Leno on all channels at all times, and the most safe, banal music you can possibly imagine. John Mayer must be stopped, kids. He must be stopped now.

But I’ll give him one last chance to redeem himself. John Mayer, if you donate all of your money to Haiti earthquake relief, retire from making music, and actively campaign to make Aaron McGruder our next black president, maybe, maybe I’ll think about perhaps hating you a little less.

Nah. Who am I kidding? You will always suck, John Mayer. So please, for the good of all humanity, just go away.


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