The Christian Side-Hug is the Stupidest Fucking Thing I Have Ever Seen

The above picture is the result of a Google image search for “The dumbest thing ever.” Why would I search for the dumbest thing ever on Google Images? Because I believe I have found the dumbest thing ever and it is the Christian Side-Hug. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch this helpful music video. My pal Zac, who can be relied upon for pointing me towards things that destroy my already wavering faith in humanity, had a link to this video in his G-chat status message this morning. Being an idiot, I clicked on it.

Now, there are several problems with the Christian Side-Hug, not least of which is their assertion in the video that “Jesus never hugged nobody like that.” To the extent that we know whether or not Jesus hugged anyone at all, it is probable that he hugged them the normal way, what the idiots in this video refer to as “front hugging.” Why? Because side-hugging is fucking stupid and, from what I’ve read, Jesus wasn’t known for doing fucking stupid things.

So why side-hug? Because, the high-functioning retards (before you complain, I’m not making fun of people with cognitive disabilities: I really think that you must have a certain lack of proper brain function to be okay with side-hugging. I guess, though, calling the nimrods in this video “high-functioning” is probably a stretch) in this video explain, “front hugging” is sinful unless you’re married. Because apparently, all normal hugs involve the potential for your naughty bits to make contact with the other person’s naughty bits. Now, let’s think about this: do you really get turned on every time you hug someone? I know I don’t. And it’s a good thing too, because I hug my grandparents every time I see them. As far as I know, none of us are particularly aroused by it. If these good little youth group fuckers can’t hug anyone normally without pitching a tent, maybe it’s not hugging that’s the problem. Just sayin’.

But this is a music blog and, as my apartment’s leading music critic, I should evaluate the Christian Side-Hug song on its musical merits. I can do this fairly succinctly: musically, this song is an abortion… and you’d think these good Christian Side-Huggers would be against that sort of thing.

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