Goddamn, EMI Fucking Sucks. Seriously, Fuck These Guys.

Fuck it

The oil-soaked bird does not lie. EMI, the dicks who refused to bring you Dark Night of the Soul, are now refusing to sell their stuff to independent retailers in a move that can only be charitably described as one of the biggest dick moves ever. What the fuck is wrong with these assholes? They’re apparently telling the independents to buy EMI product from so-called “one-stop” stores like Wal-Mart or Best Buy, stores that are renowned for doing things like fucking exclusively selling Axl Rose’s lastest shitfest.

So, while arguing that file sharing is ruining their physical CD sales, EMI is taking steps to… um… reduce their physical CD sales. Do me a favor – if you are an executive at EMI and you’re reading this, please go get sterilized at your earliest convenience. We don’t need this kind of thinking in the gene pool.

Now, there’ s a lot of the EMI catalog that I just don’t give a fuck about, but this move is going to hurt independent retailers by either forcing them to put money in the giant one-stop’s pockets or by forcing them to not sell popular EMI artists that will help them meet their bottom line. So if your dream music store was a giant electronics warehouse where the staff knows fuckall about your favorite bands and the selection is an embarrassment of pre-censored riches (so long as your idea of riches is the latest Katy Perry or Keith Urban CD), EMI is working hard to make your dream come true.

You know what? I hope these guys go out of business and I hope you help. Download and share as many Katy Perry albums as you can stand. If you’re feeling saucy, burn them to CD, drive to a post office a few towns away, and mail them back to EMI with a picture of a big middle finger. Fuck these jerks.

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5 thoughts on “Goddamn, EMI Fucking Sucks. Seriously, Fuck These Guys.

  1. This is a completely indefensible dick move, agreed — and while you might have a soft spot in your nostalgic heart for the heydays of the record shop, it is past due for the actual (read: independent and legitimately artistic) music fan to question the viability, relevance, and purpose of the record store.

    Personally, here in Houston, the closest thing we have to an independent record store is Cactus Music. Everyone who has ever bought a CD in Houston has a fondness for Cactus, but every time I go in there, I question why.

    Is it so I can pay a slightly higher markup to support a barely commercial viable business? No, because they aren’t even paying the employees a living wage or providing great benefits. I’m not saying the owners are greedy, but I don’t like spending for spending’s sake.

    Is it to support independent artists and find albums that I can’t find anywhere else? Nope, I go to shows for that.

    Is it for discussion of bands I’m interested in and to gain new insight on the music scene? Sorry, the internet took that part of my life over a long, long time ago.

    As far as I can tell, these stores serve virtually no purpose, so very few tears will be shed from me. And while I might stop into Best Buy from time to time for my Guitar Hero needs and to browse the TV DVDs, that doesn’t mean I’m eagerly awaiting garbage like Katy Perry or Keith Urban.

    There’s infinitely more to the discussion of the commercialization of music as an art form and the negative repercussions to society as a whole than the death of Empire Records.

    But I am very interested in your counterpoint.

  2. An addendum, Cactus hosts dozens of awesome in-store performances every year from tremendous bands, with an emphasis on Texas music — definitely a plus. But if a record store wants to be a venue, put away the cheap rinky dink merch and sell some f’n beer.

    • I guess my counterpoint is about half a counterpoint, since I generally agree that the music “industry” can mostly go fuck itself. I certainly don’t want people to think that a record store is great simply because it is independent. Like music fans, no two stores are alike. I happen to live near the best one I’ve ever seen, Amoeba Music in Hollywood. It has a great selection of new and used stuff, free concerts, and obscure books. I like record stores, too, especially when I see that they’re run by people who clearly love and understand music. I will always walk into a music store or a book store. Just to see.

      Serious audiophiles will tell you that compressing tracks to mp3 causes a loss in fidelity (most of us don’t care, but I’m talking about people who’ll drop a grand on a needle for their record player); I happen to like album art and, at the risk of sounding (more) snobbish, I’ve found some stuff that I listen to isn’t always available on the mighty interwub, however hard I try to find it. I’m definitely not, however, gonna scold people for not giving a fuck if the record industry collapses. By and large, my favorite labels could just as easily become digital distribution sites for the acts I love, and I’d still go to shows and make sure the bands feel the love.

      My bigger point, really, is that it’s perplexing (to say the least) that EMI’s strategy seems to be to fuck over the more discerning members of the CD-buying public. Earlier this year, they refused to release a great “indie” title, the Sparklehorse/Danger Mouse/ and Friends album Dark Night of the Soul, and now they’re pulling their stuff out of the indie shops, which is going to hurt the sales of many of their better artists (i.e., I’m guessing the Riceboy Sleeps records ain’t gonna be sitting on the shelves at your local Wal-Mart). I think better labels are already doing cooler things (and bands are individually, too) to try to actually earn your buck. EMI is just the first label I’ve seen go out of their way to lose it.

  3. Pingback: Dark Night of the Soul: The Album EMI Doesn’t Want You to Hear « Bollocks!

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