I Drink My Way Through the New Chris Cornell Album pt. 2 (in which I Take a Moment to Endorse Ninkasi Brewery)

budmato

That’s the same album cover, right?

9:52: “Take Me Alive” – If you’re just joining us, this is part 2 of my Live Blogging/Drinking through the new Chris Cornell album, Scream. Tim Balind produced it. And it sucks.  I’m currently listening to track 8 of this shit sandwich (is there something worse than a shit sandwich that I can call this album? I smell a Bollocks! contest coming up. Anyone wanna win a copy of Middle Cyclone?). The song is called… hold on, lemme check… okay. It’s called “Long Gone,” and it’s kinda balladish. The Chris Cornell/Megatron chorus effect is singing all sensitive like. I guess his woman is long gone. Can’t blame her though, he said that bitch ain’t a part of him. Beer update: Still working my way through the Tricerahops. It’s a great beer, like if you took your favorite IPA and turned it up to 11. So far, Ninkasi Brewery is winning and Chris Cromagnon is losing (did I misspell my caveman reference? I’m a little buzzed. Thank you, Tricerahops. Thank you so much). I’m editing the file info in Winamp. “Long Gone” is now labeled as “Long Song.”

Note – I have now begun staring longingly at my other, better albums. I could be listening to Regina Spektor or Pavement right now. Must be strong.

10:00PM: More beer – We’re on to the title track and I’m out of Tricerahops. Hold on a sec…

All right. I’ve moved on to Nikasi’s Believer Double Red Ale. These guys have an awesome habit of doubling things. Don’t let the name fool ya – this double red is dark brown like a good cup of coffee. Let’s take a smell while it’s still got the head on it – it has the nice roasted odor of good amber ale, though. Smells like a Fat Tire on steroids.  Let’s quaff this monster: Sure ’nuff tastes like a red. Slight sweetness, bit of a bite to it. Almost a coffee aftertaste like you’d expect in a porter. Ninkasi trades in heavy brews and I love them for it. The next time you’re in Eugene, Oregon, find some of this brewery’s beer and give it all of your love. All of it!

Fuck. I’m supposed to be listening to Chris Cornell’s new album. Where was I?

10:07 pm: Oh yeah. The title track – Chris Cornell, unsurprisingly, has the title and titular line of this album. We’re still trending pop-ballady here. Which means the beats are programmed slower. This beer is really good. Did I mention that? Oh. I think we’re to the chorus of the song. Something about “Messing with my brain when you wanna see me fall.” That reminds me – Psychonauts is a great video game. I guess this song could be considered ironic because he croons “Why you keep screaming at the top of your head?” on the chorus. This album is super shitty.  It’s the kind of thing you would think should be a joke, but it is (unfortunately) convincing me, slowly, that Joaquin Phoenix’s hip-hop career move might be legit after all.

Know what I hate? When a singer records one vocal track and then records another one echoing the lyrics they just sang. As on “Scream,” the title and titular song (do you get that reference? If so, send all of your ass-pennies to Bollocks! care of Rebecca Mellor, 705 Imaginary Office, Van Nuys, CA 91405) where Cornell echoes himself singing “Not my fault” or some shit. He also says he “used to think that silence was golden.” I still think that, Chris Cornell. Because of you, I think it so hard right now.

10: 13 pm: Douchebag Raver Bullshit – We’re back to the club beats on Scream. I really don’t get this. Chris Cornell used to be able to sing. Check out Temple of the Dog’s “All Night Thing” if you don’t believe that shit. But he hardly uses his voice on this album. He lets T.M.B. Lind digitize, autotune, and synthesize the life out of his voice. He rarely sounds human. Is this album some sort of weird cry for help? Scream is so shitty that I would rather listen to Kanye West’s 808s and Heartbreak and that album is like nails on a goddamn chalkboard to me. (I am now looking at my Hold Steady albums the way my dog looks at me when she knows I’m going to leave for several hours.) I’m listening to a song called “Enemy” now and its chorus is similar to the chorus of “Time” in that Cornell thinks repeating one word over and over makes a chorus. Christ. Incidentally, my band is discussing doing a cover of “You’ve Gotta Dance (with Who You Came With)” by The Hold Steady. I’m gonna learn the guitar part tomorrow and it is thunderously awesome.

A break while Chorpenning listens to “You Gotta Dance (with Who You Came With)” by The Hold Steady.

10:52 pm: My girlfriend has called from Portland – so I have paused Scream for the last half an hour or so. It’s kinda nice. Also, she called during my Hold Steady break, so I’ll go back to them before I go back to Chris Cornell. The Double Red Ale is still amazing.

10:57 pm: Pee Break.

10:58: pm: Say a prayer for the cityscape skins… – Hold Steady break. God, this is great. I love you, Craig Finn. Tad Kubler, sir… what can I say? You are the last great guitar hero. Bless you sir.

11:00 pm: Back to this fucking Chris Cornell album – I’m listening to “The Other Side of Town”, where Cornell sings “there was a part of me that she didn’t know”, which I hope means this is a song about him being a werewolf.

Wait for it…

Nope. It’s not about him being a werewolf. It’s about how Chris Cornell hates women. Who knew? Three songs to go. The beer is holding up nicely. I think the Double Red is a bit better even than the Tricerahops, which is like saying that I like one Tom Waits song more than another Tom Waits song. They’re both infinitely awesome, but one is transcendentally awesome, like awesome that has to manufacture and then occupy entire new dimensions of space. Pretty much the opposite of Scream.

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