Bollocks! Predicts the Grammys

Hey, I just realized the Grammy Awards are tonight and thought I’d weigh in on all the excitement.

Aren’t you excited? M.I.A. is nominated for “Paper Planes,” a song that came out 2 years ago! And Radiohead is nominated for In Rainbows, which also came out two years ago! Yay! Isn’t it great that the Grammys are unaware of any good music that came out in 2008? If you’re like me, you’ll probably find the awards show baffling from start to finish, so I’ve provided 10 predictions to help you get through the proceedings.  Watch carefully, and see how spookily accurate I am!

Prediction #1: Coldplay will beat Radiohead for album of the year and, after a cloying acceptance speech, Chris Martin will be challenged to a duel by none other than the Kenny G of the guitar himself, Joe Satriani, who will then throw a tantrum and claim that the Grammy should really go to him. The duel won’t happen, however, because police will arrest Martin for trying to steal Thom Yorke’s identity after seeing  the two men in the same room and realizing that even poor men deserve a better version of Yorke than Chris Martin. While I’m at it, newsflash for Joe Satriani: the song you claim Coldplay ripped off from you actually has a melody and chord structure I’ve heard in lots of songs, not least of which is, partially, “Ana Ng” by They Might Be Giants. Are They Might Be Giants suing anyone over it, Mr. Satriani? No. Because, unlike you, they’re not whiny cunts.

Prediction #2: The hard rock category will implode under the weight of its own suckitude, killing every musician nominated in that category. Okay, that’s more of a prayer than a prediction.

Prediction #3: John Mayer will win something and say something stupid that nonetheless moistens the panties of the 8th grade girls watching at home.

Prediction #4: My Morning Jacket will probably not win for Evil Urges. I mean, look at the nominees. The Grammys are fundamentally incapable of recognizing greatness. If they give the Grammy to MMJ, I’ll buy myself a beer.

Prediction #5: At least one of the winners tonight will say something stupid and trite about Barack Obama. You can’t blame the President for this, though. Just be prepared to hit the mute button ASAP.

Prediction #6: Tom Waits will not be given a lifetime achievement award.

Prediction #7: Should Chris Brown win the Grammy for “Take You Down,” at least five people will die trying to suppress a laugh at the irony.

Prediction #8: People who like M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” and are inspired to buy a copy of Kala because of that song along will be sorely disappointed (and deservedly so).

Prediction #9: Whoever wins the Rap Album Grammy will probably not acknowledge that Atmosphere’s When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint that Shit Gold is far better than whatever piece of shit they recorded.  I’m acknowledging that here and now, now and forever.

Prediction #10: M.I.A. will go into labor before her performance and be unable to perform because she is the only person performing tonight who I give even a fraction of a shit about.

So there ya go. 10 predictions for an increasingly obsolete and infuriating pageant of bad taste and worse music. Enjoy!

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