Dear TV on the Radio,
I am employed in the service of Chorpenning, the iron-fisted ruler of Bollocks!. I think it is safe to assume that you are not among the 6 to 9 people (on average) who read Bollocks!, but it’s a blog about music. Chorpenning is the owner and head writer (only writer) for the site and he is a big fan of your work.
That’s why I’m writing to you, TV on the Radio. You see, a few days ago, Chorpenning acquired your new album, Dear Science and, as is his wont, he listened to it straight through a couple of times. He likes to really wrap his head around an album before he writes about it. I, as his Imaginary Secretary, have to hear a lot of albums more than once, but it’s part of the job. Some of the albums are pretty nice (I really like that Hold Steady band, which is good – I think my job depends on it) so the repetition is usually bearable.
Dear Science was like that at first. And, actually, at second. I started to worry around the time Chorpenning locked the doors to the office, turned up the volume, and announced loudly, “I can’t stop listening to this record! It’s fucking amazing!” I cannot tell if he was drunk at the time; it’s often safe to assume he is. As we work in an Imaginary Office (cheaper lease!), there is no worry that he’ll drive home in such a state and cause injury to himself or others.
That was Tuesday, TV on the Radio. Today is Saturday. I haven’t been home, and neither has Chorpenning, since your album came out. I’ve been here, with him, listening to Dear Science over and over and over again. His dog and girlfriend (not imaginary, believe it or not) miss him. I have plants that need watering.
I am not saying that your music is bad or that you should have, somehow, made Dear Science less awesome. I’m simply alerting you to the situation caused by listening to your new album. I’m concerned that other people will hear Dear Science and, like my boss, never want to stop hearing it. How many people are stuck in their offices, their cars, wherever, right now, doing the same thing they’ve done since they first heard the enchanting first notes of “Halfway Home”? They could number in the millions. Millions of people, TV on the Radio, who get all the way through to “Lover’s Day,” and, rather than going home to their lovers (“Lover’s Day”, for my money, is one of the ten best songs about fucking I’ve ever heard) and loving them, they just let the disc whirr back around to “Halfway Home.” Your production is so lush, your harmonies so great, your beats so enormous, that they may well be dangerous. If it’s not too late, you may consider a warning on the next pressing of Dear Science. Something like: “Warning: the music you are about to hear is infinitely awesome and highly addictive. You may find yourself wanting to listen to it over and over, so much so that you neglect responsibilities and basic hygiene. Please have a friend stop the disc for you after every three rotations so that you can shower and let your employees go home.” Or something like that. I’m just spitballing here.
Again, I don’t mean to offend you or in anyway suggest that it’s your fault that my boss reacted so strongly to your album. To tell the truth, I can sort of see why the stirring songs like “Family Tree” and “DLZ” would warrant a second listen. And that dancing song, the one with the “foam-injected Axl Rose” (I Googled the lyrics), is pretty catchy too. But this is ridiculous.
Oh god. He’s just started it up again.
Look, I know you’re probably on tour or doing something very important and musical or whatever, but if you happen to actually receive this letter in the next week or two, could you please send help? Or maybe if you came here yourselves and explained to Chorpenning that he has responsibilities outside of the office that he should see to? I think he might need to hear it from you that, while you’re no doubt glad that he loves Dear Science, it was never your intention for him to imprison his employees (real or imaginary) and force them to descend into madness with him.
Although, in fairness, I suppose I should have known that a descent into madness and/or alcoholism was inevitable with this job.
In any case, TV on the Radio, if you can find it in your hearts to send help, please do so at your earliest convenience.