A Guest Review of Death Magnetic

Editor’s note: Given the previous animosity shown by Bollocks! towards Metallica, Chorpenning realized that he could not possibly give an objective review of Metallica’s new album, Death Magnetic. So Chorpenning went to a strip club in North Hollywood and found Tad, the K-ROQ intern, to review the album for this site. Chorpenning will post a response to Tad’s review later; for now, Chorpenning is drunk and sitting in the corner, listening to London Calling at top volume and mumbling something about barbarian hordes taking over his website. We now turn Bollocks! over to Tad, the K-ROQ intern, to present his review of Metallica’s Death Magentic.

What up, bitches? My name is T-to-tha-A-to-tha-D, and I’m totally fucked up on vodka and Red Bull! I’d like to give a shout out to LA’s real rock alternative, 106.7 K-R0Q. And I’d like to shout a big “fuck you!” to Indie 103.1 – fuck you guys and your morning jackets! So check it out – I was totally eyeing up some tig ol’ bitties (editor’s note – Tad has asked that we not correct any of his spelling; he maintains that this would be “censorship.” Since Chorpenning is too drunk to mediate this dispute, we have reluctantly agreed not to correct Tad’s manifold spelling and grammatical errors) when this pointy-haired asshole in a Hold Steady t-shirt came up to me (did you know Hold Steady is a band? I never heard of ’em either. they probably suck) and mumbled something about how he has this blog where he talks about music and did I like Metallica? Well, I downed a Jager-blaster, tossed a few bucks at teh hottie on stage, and said, “Fuck yes! I fucking love Metallica. What’s it to ya, skinny fucker?”  Well, the asshole was all like, “Could you review their new album for my blog?” And I was all, “Yeah, I could do that.” I offered to throw in a review of the new Kid Rock album, but he vomited on my shoes. Indie fags can’t hold their booze, I guess.

So here I am. And let me tell ya, dudes ‘n’ bitches, Death Magnetic is the most metal of all metal albums. Ever. It’s a total return to form for Metallica. They got some guy to produce it, I don’t know who, but he’s a different guy. So the album sounds more like …And Justice for All than St. Anger. It starts off with this ass-pounding tune, “That Was Just Your Life,” which has, like, this heartbeat that starts it off (see, it symbolizes life – this is a totally deep album) and there’s some totally pussy guitar stuff before the loud guitars and Lars Ulrich (fuck John Bonham, fuck Keith Moon – Lars is the best drummer in human fucking history). James Hetfield is totally on point on this song, yelling something about “curse the day is long” or something. It got me thinking, though: the day is long. Man. Heavy.

After “That Was Just Your Life,” there’s “The End of the Line” which isn’t the end of the line – it’s only the second song on the album!!!1! But it’s totally heavy, it’s got this “Sad But True” vibe to it (Metallica was the best album ever and if you don’t think so, your a total pussy) and Kirk Hammett shreds the fuck out of those guitar licks. You know who I don’t miss at all? Jason Newsted. He wasn’t that good of a bassist (he’s probably doing something totally pussy right now) and this Robert Trujillo guy is so much better. He mostly stays out of the way of Kirk and Lars doing what they do best, which is rocking my fucking ass.

So the third song on here is “Broken, Beat & Scarred” which is my most favorite song on this album ’cause it’s all about how “what don’t kill ya/make ya more strong,” which is totally how I feel about life. That’s why I’m not afraid to do a little pre-funking before I hit the 24-Hour Fitness. Working out sober is for pussies and indie-fags. The song has this totally killer hook where James shouts, “We! Die! Hard!” It’s totally awesome and makes me want to watch Live Free or Die Hard again. That movie was tha shit.

Then there’s this soft intro (kinda pussy) before “The Day that Never Comes” (haha, “comes”), which isn’t as wimpy as it sounds at the beginning. The song’s totally about domestic violence, I think. So fuck you haters, Metallica cares about this shit. Don’t hit your chicks. It’s not cool, even in the mosh pit. “The Day that Never Comes” shows that Metallica not only totally gets domestic abuse, but they also still know how to write a kickass power ballad (a big “fuck you,” by the way, to all you haters who think that power ballads aren’t cool).

The album gets back to rocking with “All Nightmare Long,” which is like a sequel to “Enter Sandman” and that’s fucking awesome.  It’s followed by “Cyanide” which is about dyin’. You know, ’cause the album is “Death Magnetic,” so some of the songs have to be about dying. Whatever.

Next up is the highly anticipated “The Unforgiven 3.” Before the haters get to hating, I have it on good authority that “The Unforgiven” was always supposed to be a fucking trilogy (hello? like the Matrix?). So suck it. Irregardless of what the haters say, “The Unforgiven 3” is a totally kickass song on it’s own and really completes the story told in the first two songs. I know I was wondering what would happen after the end of  “The Unforgiven 2”.  Okay, total spoiler alert, though, for real: In “The Unforgiven 3”, it’s revealed that “it’s me I can’t forgive” – so the “Unforgiven” was him all along. I haven’t seen such a mindfucking twist since I rented The Village!

The next song is called “The Judas Kiss,” which is about how Judas kissed guys or something. I thought there weren’t any fags in The Bible, but I guess I could be wrong. It’s a pretty awesome song, though, even though it’s about a queer. Moving on. “The Judas Kiss” is followed by “Suicide & Redemption” which starts real quiet and then gets real loud, which is something Metallica has perfected. Its a total ten-minute metal instrumental that shows just how rad Kirk Hammett and Lars Ulrich are. Kirk is like the second coming of Joe Satriani and if you don’t know who Satriani is, I’m gonna find you and beat your ass.

Death Magnetic ends with “My Apocalypse,” which talks about… well, I don’t know. It’s too loud and awesome for me to make out too many words. But I think James says something about “death magnetic” in this one, so I think its like the title track or something. There’s a totally gnarly guitar solo in there and Lars is beating the shit out of his drums and then James screams something about “spit it out” (ha! maybe the song’s about blowjobs. I like blowjobs). And then there’s some more skullfucking music and James says stuff about seeing “the end.” And then the album ends. To say the least, Death Magnetic is the totally triumphant return of true metal gods. It might be their best album ever and I know it’s gonna top everyone’s year-end best album list, along with Chinese Democracy, which is coming out… uh… I don’t know when, but Axl should hurry up and put it out so that he can tour with Metallica. It’d be just like the old days, but ten times better. Tad out!

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