Jesus Christ Returns… to Bollocks!

As I reported yesterday, an Oakland octogenarian named Harold Camping has predicted that Jesus Christ would return on May 21st, 2011. Which is, you know, today. And now, per the email He sent me Himself, Jesus Christ has returned to Bollocks! I will now turn this post over to him so he can judge the shit out of us. I hope you’ve been good. 

Hi, everybody. There seems to have been some confusion as to the nature of my “return,” probably because Harold Camping is not the devoted Bollocks! reader that he should be. I have come back to render some judgments, but they’re almost all to do with music. I’m not taking anyone to Heaven with me today and I have to get back soon for my free-for-all cage match with Randy Savage and Andre the Giant. But by all means, any planned Rapture/End of the World parties should continue as scheduled. Chorpenning worked hard yesterday to provide you with a soundtrack for your party, although he forgot Cake’s “Jesus Wrote a Blank Check,” which is one of my favorite songs about me.

So but anyway, I have some judgments that I wanted to pass on here, so that, if necessary, you guys can adjust your behavior accordingly. Remember, if you don’t do what I say, you will spend all of eternity roasting in a lake of fire. Just kidding. We turned Hell into a nudist colony (it has the best hot springs!) centuries ago. Bad people still get punished, but I’m not gonna tell you how because you people have exhibited a bizarre tendency to fetishize the eternal damnation of your fellows human beings and that shit is not healthy, psychologically speaking.

Judgment 1. Auto-Tune is evil. It should never be used in music. Ever. I don’t care if you’re using it as some sort of aesthetic device, it always sounds like shit. So if you’ve ever had any faith in me at all, believe me when I tell you that I didn’t spend my last Friday nailed to some pieces of wood so that you could digitally fuck the life out of all of your music. No more Auto-Tune!

Judgment 2. This is not controversial or anything, but I should like to state, officially and on the record, that John Coltrane was a true genius (sorry about the video quality in the link, but you can hear the music just fine and you should). My Dad and I were talking the other day and He still says that A Love Supreme is one of the nicest gifts anyone’s ever given Him.

Judgment 3. I know Chorpenning doesn’t want us to talk about it, but I’m giving a special dispensation to the kid who did that “Friday” song. Yes, the song sucks balls. But she’s thirteen and the only thirteen-year-old who has ever written a decent song was Mozart. When I heard that people were making stupid internet threats against the “Friday” kid, I was pretty sad. Not for her, though; no, I was sad for the kind of massive fucking failures who spend their time threatening violence against kids who are just trying to have a good time by singing a bad song.

Judgment 4.  Chorpenning was a little hard on Julian Casablancas. But, in the interest of fairness, I don’t approve of the way Casablancas approached the recording of Angles either. I get why he did it, sort of, but it seems like a really indirect way to solve a problem. I quite enjoyed JC’s (okay, I also like his initials) solo album and I’m a little puzzled as to why he’d go back to the Strokes if their relationship has become so strained.

Judgment 5. This one is for the rappers, and it’s kind of a three-pronged judgment. First off, the homophobia and misogyny isn’t shocking and it just makes you sound stupid. I’m not saying that all rappers have those things in their lyrics and I also treat every song on a case-by-case basis. If you’re inhabiting a fucked up character, he might say fucked up things (like the narrator of Randy Newman’s “Rednecks”), and that might be acceptable. Second: no more skits. For anyone. Even DOOM. They’re annoying, especially if you bought an album because you want to hear a skilled rapper kick awesome rhymes. Which brings me to my third prong: No more rapping about what a great rapper you are. If you can’t find something interesting to say, maybe you should take a songwriting class.  It’s okay to talk about yourself, but I know from experience that you catch more flies with humility. If you are a rapper and want a good example to follow, check out the last Brother Ali record.

Judgment 5.5. For the record, I’m also a huge fan of Common.

Judgment 6. This is a little embarrassing since, to some degree, it concerns me. I am not a fan of the Christian rock. I know bands like Pillar, Stellar Kart, P.O.D., and that guy who was in Korn are just trying to sing my praises and that’s cool. But why does the music have to be so bloody awful? Being emo for Jesus is still being emo and the vaguely erotic nature of a lot of these lyrics is a little disturbing to me. Tom Waits wrote great songs about me and the Hold Steady (my favorite band) seems to understand me better than any of the so-called Christian bands I’ve heard.

Some of the dead musicians in Heaven asked me to pass on some requests to you as well. Stevie Ray Vaughan has asked that you please stop comparing John Mayer to him unless you are saying the exact sentence, “Holy fucking shit, if Stevie Ray Vaughan were alive today, he’d beat John Mayer to death with a Stratocaster.” Obviously, I’m a non-violent guy so I’m not making this a commandment or anything. I’m just telling you what Stevie Ray asked me to tell you. Robert Johnson has requested that you please re-release his recorded material at the proper (slower) speed. Joe Strummer just asked me to see how everyone’s doing down here and to make sure you’re all exhibiting exemplary manners towards your fellow human beings. Strummer’s a class act.

I have one more judgment to make and it’s the only one that doesn’t have to do with music. Judgment 7 has to do with the gays (or the Takeis, as they are now known in Tennessee). There’s been a lot of heated debate about where I stand on this issue so I’ve decided, since you’re all dressed up for Judgment Day anyhow, to settle it once and for all. You do not choose who you love. None of us do. Attraction is a complicated chemical/hormonal thing (okay, I’m not a scientist) and to treat the acts of consenting, loving adults as some sort of evil lifestyle choice is a real sin. Do you honestly think, as a living, breathing man, I would have chosen to love everyone? That means that I even love Donald Trump! So the official word from me, Jesus Hold Steady Christ, is that it is 100% okay to be gay. Love is more sacred than marriage (“He who is without love does not know God for God is love,” motherfuckers) and when it brings consenting adults together, only a real asshole would condemn that.

So to wrap up this Rapture business, I thought I made it abundantly clear in my year-end review of 2010 that, as the Poet Laureate of Awesomeness, Craig Finn, wrote: “Heaven is whenever/ we can get together/ sit down on your floor/ and listen to your records.” So find some tunes, some friends, some snacks, and some brews and enjoy your time with each other. As the son of God, I command you to enjoy your Saturday and try not to be too hard on that Harold Camping guy. Math was never my strong suit either.

The Lazy Friday Mix: Rapture Edition

So you’ve probably heard by now that the Rapture is tomorrow.  Since Jesus Christ happens to be an occasional contributor to Bollocks!, I asked him if there was any truth to the rumors of his return. He replied with an uncharacteristically terse email: “Chorpenning – yes, I’m coming back on May 21st. Prepare the way.” He wasn’t really forthcoming with instructions as to how I should prepare for his Second Coming, but I think I can safely assume that he wanted me to provide you with a great Lazy Friday Mix of Judgment Day-Appropriate songs. So I done it:

The first song I thought of was the Flaming Lips’ “Shine On Sweet Jesus” from In a Priest-Driven Ambulance, which was released in 1990, I think. A young Wayne Coyne screams the unhinged (yet catchy!) melody: “Waiting for my ride/ Jesus is floating outside.” I think the rapture should be a little distorted and crazy and “Shine On Sweet Jesus” embodies that perfectly (by the way, In a Priest-Driven Ambulance is a pretty awesome early Flaming Lips album).

I didn’t include “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” as part of R.E.M.’s finest hour but it would have made the list if I was compiling their finest 65 minutes. If Revelation is really upon us by tomorrow night and you only have time to play one song, it should be this one. Yeah, the verses are kind of nonsense, but the song opens with “That’s great/ it starts with an earthquake” which is how the Rapture-predicting church people think God will let us know that it is indeed the end of the world as we know it. Also: I dare you not to sing along with this chorus. It’s fucking perfect.

Some of us, obviously, are not going to be lifted to the skies tomorrow. No, we’ll be left behind like the people in those fuck-terrible books. You see, some of us are on the “Highway to Hell,” probably because we wasted our lives learning science and listening to AC/DC. I shouldn’t even have to tell you to put this on the playlist for your End of the World Party, which I hope you are all having tomorrow night.

Speaking of Hell, I hope Jesus is more merciful than Curtis Mayfield was when he told us “(Don’t Worry) If There’s a Hell Below, We’re All Gonna Go. This is one of the most badass funk songs ever recorded (do you hear that bass line?) and it’s about how we’re all responsible for the world we live in – the good parts and the bad parts. I like that Mayfield set such a grim assessment of humanity to such a heavy groove . It softens the blow.

Some folks, of course, are going to welcome Jesus with open arms on Saturday (their houses are probably going to be looted). They may want a more positive, upbeat soundtrack for their ascension. In that case, may I suggest “I Belong to the Band” by Mavis Staples? It’s a deliciously old-school romp wherein Ms. Staples celebrates the fact that she belongs to the only band that, according the scriptures, will be allowed to jam in Heaven – “that Christian band,” she sings. Apparently, she’s never heard any of the Christian bands we have on earth. Because they’re awful. Before our more right-leaning readers put this on their Rapture party playlist, I should warn you: before she mentions being in a Christian band, Staples says she’s in a “union band.” So she’s probably a commie.

If you want something with a gospel vibe but also a little more grit to it, I have two suggestions. The first is a deep cut from The Clash‘s Sandanista album. It’s a tune called “Sounds of Sinners,” wherein Joe Strummer imagines a jazz note that destroyed the walls of Jericho and says that “after all these drugs” he’s come to think he is Jesus (he later admits, “I ain’t good enough/ I ain’t clean enough/ to be him”). Suggestion number two is a collaboration between John Hammond and Tom Waits called “I Know I’ve Been Changed.” This is one of my very favorite pieces of spiritual music ever; Tom Waits bellows his verse like he’s speaking with the very voice of God. And it’s my belief that he is.

When Freddie Mercury died in 1991, my grandma (from the side of the family that has opted to have nothing to with me in the last few years) told me that he was “roasting beautifully” in Hell. I was eleven. I think of this episode often when I think of religion and what people are getting out of it and I’m thinking of Freddie Mercury because of Queen’s “Who Wants to Live Forever,” a great song about making the most of the time you have on earth, no matter whose grandma hates you. I think this song first appeared on the Highlander soundtrack and its best moment is near the end when Mercury sings with one hundred percent conviction, “Forever/ is ours today.”

If you, like my dear estranged grandma, are the type of person to delight in the condemnation of other people, you might enjoy “I Would Rather Sacrifice You” by The Minus 5. The song appeared on 2009′s stellar Killingsworth and it’s the perfect campfire ditty for the kind of person who would elbow their way to the front of the line to prove their humility and devotion to Jesus. My favorite line is, “Wicked messengers, beware/ I spread the gospel with my gun,” because it pokes fun at those folks who will defend the sanctity of life by killing an abortion doctor. I’ll take “Doing It Wrong” for a thousand please, Alex.

If the end times really are upon us, I’m betting that I’m not the only person who has one or two (or twenty) last shags on his mind. Proof? Ted Leo and the Pharmacists wrote “Last Days” about wanting to “rave and misbehave” at the end of the world. Leo muses on the impending horrors of Judgment Day thusly: “There’s torture and rain/ your legs and pain/ and I came to play” and then mentions that “maybe, baby/ there’re a few things we ought to do” and the song convinces me that one of those things is “it.” If you’re having a Rapture party and you want it to end in an orgy, you might consider this song for your playlist.

If you’re worried about the jarring sight of your friends ascending to Heaven right out of their clothes, not to worry: according to Wilco, via Woodie Guthrie, there is an “Airline to Heaven” that will safely convey your friends to Pearly Gates International Airport. My favorite version of this song is on Wilco’s Kicking Television: Live in Chicago. It has amazing electric steel guitar (played by Nels Cline) and subtle, gorgeous vocal harmonies. Tell your Christian pals to please get to the airport two hours early and maybe keep the whole “I’m flying to Heaven” thing on the down-low when they go through security.

Maybe you think it’s literally insane for any loving God to choose to destroy the world he created. That is, you might think “God doesn’t always have the best goddamn plans” and you might need to listen to “Dear Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts” from the first Wolf Parade album while your more reverent pals are waiting to get the call-up from Mr. Jesus H. (according to whom the “H” stands for “Hold Steady!”). That one line about God and his goddamn plans is one of my all-time favorite lines ever, and I think of it whenever people tell me that God has a plan and all the bad shit that happens is part of that plan (here’s a hint to aspiring helpful Christians: when someone’s sister just died, don’t tell them that it’s “all part of God’s plan” or that “she’s in a better place now.” And definitely don’t ask her surviving relatives if she’d “accepted Jesus” before dying. It is, however great your intentions may be, really fucking tasteless).

But whatever does or doesn’t happen tomorrow, we should remember the advice of Ms. Jolie Holland: “Enjoy Yourself,” because it is indeed later than you think, even if it’s not as late as Harold Camping thinks it is. Holland closed out The Living and the Dead with this simple little ditty, which features great harmonies and Holland laughing her way through the entire two minutes of the song. The lyrics, in their entirety: “Enjoy yourself/ it’s later than you think.”

There are tons of other songs that you could play for your Rapture party – I concocted a playlist of more than a hundred last night, just combing through the songs on my laptop – but these are, to me, the cream of the crop. If you believe the Rapture is happening tomorrow, I sincerely hope that works out for ya. I know Jesus will be back here tomorrow, but anyone who reads this blog regularly will tell you that a Bollocks! post is about as far from Rapture as you can possibly get. As for me, I’m gonna follow Ted Leo’s advice from “Last Days” – “if the world doesn’t end, we can sit back and laugh about that too.”

Bollocks! Staffers Pick Their Favorites of 2010 (Part 2: The Reason for the Season)

Yesterday, we featured a story by musical pathologist Rebecca Mellor (no relation) on her favorite albums and songs of 2010. Today, my good friend Jesus H. Christ (a.k.a. “The Reason for the Season”) is going to tell you about some of his favorite music from the last year and on Monday, I’ll chime in with my ten favorite records. Merry Christmas!

Hey y’all.

Jesus H. here. I was pretty stoked to tell you about my favorite albums of 2010, many of which are unavailable to the living. When Chorpenning explained to me that a full 80% of Bollocks! readers are still alive, I had to consider and eventually embrace his suggestion that I tell you about albums I loved that you warm-bodies can actually purchase. I’ve already told you about the new Mavis Staples album, but – as good as it is – You Are Not Alone is not my favorite album of 2010. Nope. The best album I heard this year (by someone still living) is, by far, Heaven is Whenever by the Hold Steady.

There’s a lot of conflicting shit down there on Earth about me and what I believe; I’m not gonna divulge too much here because I like to keep the holy rollers guessing. But you’d be safe to assume that I put a high value on telling the truth and I think Craig Finn is a very truthful songwriter. Ever since Almost Killed Me, Finn has been telling the truth, whether it’s that “certain songs get scratched into our souls” or “hard drugs are for bartenders.” Heaven is Whenever contains some of the best truths Finn’s ever told, including, “You can’t tell people what they wanna hear/ if you also wanna tell the truth.” I learned that shit the hard way. Same thing goes for, “In the end, I bet no one learns a lesson.”  Heaven is Whenever also contains this bit of gospel truth: “Heaven is whenever/ we can get together/ sit down on your floor/ and listen to your records.” Craig Finn gets it. Pat Robertson clearly does not get it.

But what makes the Hold Steady great isn’t just honest lyrics – it’s honest music. These guys show up in the shirts they put on that morning, they plug in, and they play it straight with their audience. No frills, no auto-tune, just good, smart rock ‘n’ roll. Rocking isn’t just their business – it’s their religion and they’re good enough at it to win converts every time they take the stage. And if you don’t think that a rock show can fill your spirit as much or more than a church sermon, you’re going to the wrong rock shows (and probably the wrong church). I know – I’ve seen Joe Strummer perform a thousand times, including a few Clash shows back in the early 80s. The dude is busking outside my office right now. If he plays “Redemption Song”, I’m going to have to pause in my writing long enough to weep and share a spliff with the man.

Aw, shit. There he goes. Back in a minute.

Now then. Where was I? Oh yeah: the Hold Steady. Heaven is Whenever. Best album of 2010. Best rock band in America right now, although the Screaming Females are making their move into a very close second. I don’t wanna say too much about Castle Talk because it’s been praised up one side of Bollocks! and down the other this week, and deservedly so. Just go get the fuckin’ album already, will ya?

Another album I loved this year was Grinderman 2. When the first Grinderman record came out, it was kind of amusing, but it mostly struck me that Nick Cave wanted to goof off in a cock-rock band for a while. Then along came Grinderman 2 and rocked my fucking face off. Cave, like the Hold Steady, clearly gets what rock ‘n’ roll is capable of being, and he’s a clever bastard too. “Palaces of Montezuma” is worth the price of admission for the whole disc, but Cave spends most of Grinderman 2 acting like the bastard offspring of David Bowie and Iggy Pop and if you can’t dig that, you probably can’t dig anything (I heard that Iggy really did try to woo a chick once with “the spinal cord of JFK/ wrapped in Marilyn Monroe’s negligee”; it worked out about how you’d expect).

Austin, Texas, is a great place for music and the state of Texas in general is a great place for crazy (although Arizona has taken pains to rival Texas in the crazy department this year), so it’s no surprise that a legitimate Austin madman (and local legend) managed to craft one of my favorite albums of 2010. I’m talking, of course, about Roky Erickson’s True Love Cast Out All Evil, featuring Okkervil River (the album was produced by Okkervil’s Will Sheff). The album is gorgeous and at least partly insane. But Erickson’s (now somewhat cured) madness gives way to sweet truth on this record. He sings the line “we are meant to love each other” with such conviction that you forget it’s a cliche. Incidentally, a lot of really iconic singers (like St. Joe and Mr. Johnny Cash) did the same thing.

I should talk about some of my favorite songs from 2010. The one that’s stuck in my head the most right now is “Fuck You” by Cee Lo Green. Not only is it catchy, but I went through a bad break-up early this year and I can really identify with Cee Lo on that tune. I also really dug “Compliments” by Band of Horses; come to think of it, I really dug their whole Infinite Arms album. It might be one of the most underrated albums of the year. It takes some growing on you, sure, but it’s fucking beautiful.

Whenever I write for Bollocks!, I like to give you living fuckers some grief about all the great music we’ve got going on up here in Heaven, but when I think about what you guys had down there on Earth during 2010, I kinda want to eat my words. There was some amazing music made by living, breathing mortals in 2010, and I bless that shit with my whole heart. Enjoy your music, people. That’s an order.

When I asked Jesus what the “H” stands for, he shouted, “Hold Steady!” at me and walked away, laughing. Like me, Mr. Christ is not ashamed to admit that he cries every single time he watches The Future is Unwritten. That’s all the pre-holiday Bollocks! we have for you this year, folks. See you Monday!

Jesus Christ Reviews the New Mavis Staples Record

I was going to review the new Mavis Staples album, You Are Not Alone, produced by Wilco’s Jeff Tweedy. I really dig the record, but I’m no expert when it comes to gospel. But I know a guy who is. My pal Jesus Christ has been known to help out here from time to time and if anyone knows gospel, it’s the dude who supposedly inspired it. So if you want to know what Chorpenning thinks of You Are Not Alone: I think it’s a beautiful record from an amazing vocalist and I think you don’t have to be religious to like religious music. Now. If you want to know what the Son of God thinks of the record, read on…

Hey everyone, Jesus Christ here, typing away from my offices in Heaven. I have to admit that I had some reservations about reviewing the new Mavis Staples record; not because of Mavis, she’s great, but because last time Chorpenning asked me to review a record, it was Creed’s Full Circle. However, I tend to be a forgiving guy and I decided to give Chorpenning a chance to redeem himself.

Mavis Staples is a gospel singer and I know that a lot of Bollocks! readers are total heathens, so let me clear something  up right now: I really don’t mind if you don’t believe in me. It’s not that important. I mostly want you to be nice to each other, even on the internet. The reason I bring that up is that I don’t want people to miss out on good, soulful music just because someone is name-dropping me or my dad. You don’t have to like 7 Seconds to dig “Stay Positive” by the Hold Steady, do you? (I show up in a few of their songs too. Which reminds me: I’ve been asked to pass on a very special message from someone up here. And that is this: every time you raise a toast to St. Joe Strummer, he raises one right back to you.)

So but anyway, I’m always happy when a younger generation can discover a performer I consider iconic. When Johnny Cash started roping in the youth with those American Recordings albums, I was the happiest guy not on earth. In America right now, there are two vocalists enjoying a sort of late period of recognition that I hope only gets bigger: Bettye LaVette and Mavis Staples. And by “I hope only gets bigger” I mean, “I’m the son of God, I died for your sins, and I command you to listen to Bettye LaVette and Mavis Staples.” These two women are national treasures and not nearly enough people know it.

Whether soul music (sort of a sexier cousin to gospel and the blues, although downright chaste when compared to funk) is cheesy or not depends largely on the abilities of the performer. No one questions James Brown’s authority when he says he wants to make the scene like a sex machine, but if Michael McDonald tried that shit, I’m assuming he’d be run out of town on a rail. Hold on. I just got a text message from Chorpenning. According to him, some people down there on Earth actually like Michael McDonald. That has to be a joke. The guy looks like George Lucas’s (more) evil twin and he sounds like Wonder Bread that really wants to be dipped in chocolate milk (I think you can unpack that simile on your own).

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Mavis Staples. You Are Not Alone. Produced by Jeff Tweedy, the guy from Wilco. George Carlin (who, much to his surprise, showed up here a couple years ago) once said that the best thing to come out of religion is the music and I’m guessing he was listening to Mavis Staples when he said it. Everything Mavis sings is a gospel song because she makes it feel like one, and not in the Jesus-is-gonna-save-me kinda way but in the God-is-in-this-fucking-music kinda way; we prefer the latter up here. A little less “Jesus Freak” and a little more “Come On Up to the House”, thanks. The bottom line is all truly great music is holy (so is all great romance, all great sex, all great food, and all great beer).

On You Are Not Alone, Jeff Tweedy’s job is easy – arrange some instruments and let Mavis do her thing. You’d have to be a complete musical fuck-up to make Mavis Staples sound bad (which is why Glen Ballard will never produce a Mavis Staples album), and Tweedy is certainly not that. The standouts are numerous and, in fact, I can only think of one song on the album I don’t like: “Last Train” is a little too goofy for my taste. I don’t like hearing grownups say “choo choo train” and it kinda takes me out of the album a little bit. But one bad track out of thirteen (and it’s not terrible, it’s just goofy) is still pretty awesome.

I particularly love the title track, which Jeff Tweedy wrote for Mavis. It’s a gospel song about the importance of people, and I dig that. Sure, I’m the Messiah and all, but there’s six billion of you and one of me. I know I can turn water into wine, but you guys could do some pretty great stuff for each other too. So when Mavis sings, “I’m gonna get it through to you/ you’re not alone”, I have to smile. It’s a pledge to be there for her fellow people (and yes, Sunday school kids, it can be interpreted to be saying that you’re not alone because you have God, but God’s not singin’ it. Mavis is. Little known fact: my dad can’t sing for shit), and that thread runs throughout You Are Not Alone: Mavis Staples loves her God, but she’s not about to forget about her brothers and sisters down there in the good ol’ world. “Wrote A Song for Everyone” is an obvious choice to reinforce that sentiment and maybe an obvious choice of a cover song, but what Mavis Staples does with that song is downright awe-inspiring. She makes it her own, which is what all good cover songs should do. If you’re reading this, John Fogerty, you better just sign away the rights to that one. It’s not yours anymore.

It’s easy to argue against faith when it’s being abused and used to treat other people like shit, but You Are Not Alone shows us what faith is for. Mavis Staples’ faith moves her to have faith in her brothers and sisters and it moves her to make incredibly beautiful music. There’s no arguing with that.

Jesus Christ is an infrequent but highly valued contributor to Bollocks!. According to his publicist, he’s easier to reach by song than by prayer (although you can email him at jesushbollocks@gmail.com), he believes in evolution and not being a total dickhole to your fellow beings. His favorite album of 2010 is Nobody’s Fault But Mine, an album of duets between Nina Simone and Joe Strummer. It is only available in Heaven.