WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Is nothing fucking sacred anymore?

I just found out that My Chemical Romance covered Bob Dylan’s “Desolation Row” for the Watchmen soundtrack. I just watched the fucking video on YouTube. The whole thing. Guess I’m lucky they didn’t cover all 11 minutes of it. But still, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

Fuck you, My Chemical Romance. Fuck you in the face.

My Chemical Romance’s latest crime against music came at the expense of my favorite Bob Dylan tune. Such an atrocity can only be interpreted as an act of war and I shall respond in kind.

This aggression will not stand, Dude.

My Year in Lists 2008: The Worst of 2008

Welcome to My Year in Lists!

Regular music reviews will resume after the holidays, but now it’s time to indulge in that not-so-secret passion that every music critic (and many a casual music fan) falls asleep thinking about, usually after an intense wank (and if we’re being honest with ourselves, we must admit that wanking is a large part of what music critics do during their waking hours). I’m speaking, of course, of the completely arbitrary compilation of year-end lists. What was the best song? The best album? The best whatever?

So over the next few weeks, Bollocks! will be bringing you my thoughts on the good, the bad, and the ugly for 2008 (watches as site traffic statistics plummet). To get the bad shit outta the way first, I wanna talk about The Absolute Worst Music of 2008.

It goes without saying that Metallica sucks, but to bestow upon them the dubious honor of Worst Album of the Year would still be to grant them some form of accomplishment, however negative. They’re at least near the top of the Worst Song of 2008 pile, but I’m not good at making long lists of songs that are terrible because, as a rule, I try to avoid terrible music. Here are the three worst songs I heard this year, in no particular order:

“Unforgiven 3,” by Metallica – There was a time when Metallica didn’t make music videos because they didn’t see the need to make commericals for their songs. Then they decided two things: 1) They want money. Lots and lots of money and 2) They hate their fans. These two decisions pitched Metallica headlong into a race to out-whore their past achievements in Whoredom. Taking a page from the Hollywood playbook, they wrote a sequel to a massive hit (“The Unforgiven”). The sequel sucked, but that didn’t stop them from making a third, which really fucking blows. It gets extra “Fuck you” points for ripping off the keyboard part from “Comfortably Numb.”

“Welcome to the Third World,” by The Dandy Warhols – I could’ve picked a lot of songs from the Dandy Warhols utterly shitty Earth to the Dandy Warhols but I really chose to focus on this one for one simple reason. It steals the bass-line from The Clash’s “Magnificent Seven.” For a shitty Dandy Warhols song. That doesn’t say shit… about… shit. The Clash is an iconic band – they’re at least 85% of the reason I’m in a band (and probably a large reason why most people I know who are in bands are in bands) , they made really great music and they meant every note of it. I get that Courtney Taylor thinks he’s Lou Reed and every once in a great while, his Velvet Underground tribute band thing kinda works. But for The Dandy Warhols to rip off the Clash is to spit on everything the Clash stood for. If Joe Strummer were alive today, I’d like to think he would beat the living shit out of Courtney Taylor (and if Lou Reed were alive today, he’d do the same). “Welcome to the Third World” is a horrible song by a horrible band that appears on a horrible album – to call it a shit sandwich would be to offend shit sandwiches everywhere.

But probably The Worst Song of 2008 is “I Kissed A Girl” by Katy Perry. I’ve heard this in passing and I guess it’s a big hit for her, but it’s got some serious strikes against it. Chiefly, Katy Perry cannot sing. The verses on this song are merely unbearable but when the chorus rolls around, I want to stuff my ears full of nougat and run around the malls of Los Angeles slashing blindly with a machete, hopefully severely wounding anyone who would even so much as nod their head or tap their foot to the beat of something so insipid. This song is probably shocking to Katy’s parents, who might remember her better as the girl who started out singing Christian music before deciding that she could make a shitload of money writing schlocky turds like “I Kissed A Girl.” Perry’s debut pop album, One of the Boys, features other great song titles like “Ur So Gay” which annoys me not just for its utterly stupid spelling but also for the fact that this girl is so obviously trying to create shocking mall pop. It’s risque if you were home-schooled and still think girls shouldn’t show their ankles or if you think Jars of Clay is super hardcore, but if you want shockingly graphic lesbian music, pick up an Alix Olson album. Katy Perry is about as shocking and surprising as a post-it note, but I’ve got some song titles for her next album that will really help her kick it up a notch:

“I Finger-Banged Lynn Cheney During Sunday School”

“Dear Mom and Dad, My Boyfriend’s a Black Atheist”

(and last but not least:)

“Who Does A Girl Have to Blow to Get an Enema Around Here?”

So there you go, Katy Perry. You can use any of those you want. I promise not to pull a Joe Satriani and sue you.

So what’s the Worst Album of 2008? Well, for my money, it’s My Bloody Underground by The Brian Jonestown Massacre. This is another band from which Katy Perry can learn a lesson in the “Transparent Attempt to Shock Soccer Moms” department. See, Anton Newcombe has cleverly titled two of the songs on this musical Gorgon “We are the Niggers of the World” and “Automatic Faggot for the People,” and because they have naughty words, hoo-boy, they must be really shocking! Except that they suck. The whole album sucks. It’s Newcombe masturbating in the studio and then asking you to pay for it so he can go buy more heroin. Fuck this guy and fuck his band. The only good thing I can say about them is that, in all their fuckery, they’ve never ripped off The Clash. But you know what? I’m drawing a line here, folks. If the Brian Jonestown Massacre records a Clash rip-off I solemnly swear to find Anton Newcombe and kick his opiate-addled ass. For the good of all mankind. Earlier this year, I wrote that My Bloody Underground is the album I would make if I hated music and wanted to convince other people to hate music as well. In retrospect, I may have been understating things a bit. My Bloody Underground is the album I would make in an experiment where I was trying to create a black hole of shittiness that would suck all of the fun, joy, and creativity out of life.

A Guest Review of Death Magnetic

Editor’s note: Given the previous animosity shown by Bollocks! towards Metallica, Chorpenning realized that he could not possibly give an objective review of Metallica’s new album, Death Magnetic. So Chorpenning went to a strip club in North Hollywood and found Tad, the K-ROQ intern, to review the album for this site. Chorpenning will post a response to Tad’s review later; for now, Chorpenning is drunk and sitting in the corner, listening to London Calling at top volume and mumbling something about barbarian hordes taking over his website. We now turn Bollocks! over to Tad, the K-ROQ intern, to present his review of Metallica’s Death Magentic.

What up, bitches? My name is T-to-tha-A-to-tha-D, and I’m totally fucked up on vodka and Red Bull! I’d like to give a shout out to LA’s real rock alternative, 106.7 K-R0Q. And I’d like to shout a big “fuck you!” to Indie 103.1 – fuck you guys and your morning jackets! So check it out – I was totally eyeing up some tig ol’ bitties (editor’s note – Tad has asked that we not correct any of his spelling; he maintains that this would be “censorship.” Since Chorpenning is too drunk to mediate this dispute, we have reluctantly agreed not to correct Tad’s manifold spelling and grammatical errors) when this pointy-haired asshole in a Hold Steady t-shirt came up to me (did you know Hold Steady is a band? I never heard of ‘em either. they probably suck) and mumbled something about how he has this blog where he talks about music and did I like Metallica? Well, I downed a Jager-blaster, tossed a few bucks at teh hottie on stage, and said, “Fuck yes! I fucking love Metallica. What’s it to ya, skinny fucker?”  Well, the asshole was all like, “Could you review their new album for my blog?” And I was all, “Yeah, I could do that.” I offered to throw in a review of the new Kid Rock album, but he vomited on my shoes. Indie fags can’t hold their booze, I guess.

So here I am. And let me tell ya, dudes ‘n’ bitches, Death Magnetic is the most metal of all metal albums. Ever. It’s a total return to form for Metallica. They got some guy to produce it, I don’t know who, but he’s a different guy. So the album sounds more like …And Justice for All than St. Anger. It starts off with this ass-pounding tune, “That Was Just Your Life,” which has, like, this heartbeat that starts it off (see, it symbolizes life – this is a totally deep album) and there’s some totally pussy guitar stuff before the loud guitars and Lars Ulrich (fuck John Bonham, fuck Keith Moon – Lars is the best drummer in human fucking history). James Hetfield is totally on point on this song, yelling something about “curse the day is long” or something. It got me thinking, though: the day is long. Man. Heavy.

After “That Was Just Your Life,” there’s “The End of the Line” which isn’t the end of the line – it’s only the second song on the album!!!1! But it’s totally heavy, it’s got this “Sad But True” vibe to it (Metallica was the best album ever and if you don’t think so, your a total pussy) and Kirk Hammett shreds the fuck out of those guitar licks. You know who I don’t miss at all? Jason Newsted. He wasn’t that good of a bassist (he’s probably doing something totally pussy right now) and this Robert Trujillo guy is so much better. He mostly stays out of the way of Kirk and Lars doing what they do best, which is rocking my fucking ass.

So the third song on here is “Broken, Beat & Scarred” which is my most favorite song on this album ’cause it’s all about how “what don’t kill ya/make ya more strong,” which is totally how I feel about life. That’s why I’m not afraid to do a little pre-funking before I hit the 24-Hour Fitness. Working out sober is for pussies and indie-fags. The song has this totally killer hook where James shouts, “We! Die! Hard!” It’s totally awesome and makes me want to watch Live Free or Die Hard again. That movie was tha shit.

Then there’s this soft intro (kinda pussy) before “The Day that Never Comes” (haha, “comes”), which isn’t as wimpy as it sounds at the beginning. The song’s totally about domestic violence, I think. So fuck you haters, Metallica cares about this shit. Don’t hit your chicks. It’s not cool, even in the mosh pit. “The Day that Never Comes” shows that Metallica not only totally gets domestic abuse, but they also still know how to write a kickass power ballad (a big “fuck you,” by the way, to all you haters who think that power ballads aren’t cool).

The album gets back to rocking with “All Nightmare Long,” which is like a sequel to “Enter Sandman” and that’s fucking awesome.  It’s followed by “Cyanide” which is about dyin’. You know, ’cause the album is “Death Magnetic,” so some of the songs have to be about dying. Whatever.

Next up is the highly anticipated “The Unforgiven 3.” Before the haters get to hating, I have it on good authority that “The Unforgiven” was always supposed to be a fucking trilogy (hello? like the Matrix?). So suck it. Irregardless of what the haters say, “The Unforgiven 3″ is a totally kickass song on it’s own and really completes the story told in the first two songs. I know I was wondering what would happen after the end of  “The Unforgiven 2″.  Okay, total spoiler alert, though, for real: In “The Unforgiven 3″, it’s revealed that “it’s me I can’t forgive” – so the “Unforgiven” was him all along. I haven’t seen such a mindfucking twist since I rented The Village!

The next song is called “The Judas Kiss,” which is about how Judas kissed guys or something. I thought there weren’t any fags in The Bible, but I guess I could be wrong. It’s a pretty awesome song, though, even though it’s about a queer. Moving on. “The Judas Kiss” is followed by “Suicide & Redemption” which starts real quiet and then gets real loud, which is something Metallica has perfected. Its a total ten-minute metal instrumental that shows just how rad Kirk Hammett and Lars Ulrich are. Kirk is like the second coming of Joe Satriani and if you don’t know who Satriani is, I’m gonna find you and beat your ass.

Death Magnetic ends with “My Apocalypse,” which talks about… well, I don’t know. It’s too loud and awesome for me to make out too many words. But I think James says something about “death magnetic” in this one, so I think its like the title track or something. There’s a totally gnarly guitar solo in there and Lars is beating the shit out of his drums and then James screams something about “spit it out” (ha! maybe the song’s about blowjobs. I like blowjobs). And then there’s some more skullfucking music and James says stuff about seeing “the end.” And then the album ends. To say the least, Death Magnetic is the totally triumphant return of true metal gods. It might be their best album ever and I know it’s gonna top everyone’s year-end best album list, along with Chinese Democracy, which is coming out… uh… I don’t know when, but Axl should hurry up and put it out so that he can tour with Metallica. It’d be just like the old days, but ten times better. Tad out!