Chinese Democracy: The Bollocks! Review Part II (This Time It’s Personal)

One beer down, three to go. We’re getting heavier now, not musically, but I’m pouring a nice glass of Stone IPA right now and it’s a lot hoppier than the polite, mild mannered Morimoto. Stone IPA is one of my favorite IPAs, and 22 ounces of it might lead us to more typographical mishaps later in the evening. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya. I did a palate cleanse with some water to make way for the Stone IPA, so how about a musical cleansing as well? I’m dipping into Pavement’s “Cut Your Hair” (seemed appropriate) for a second before picking up the Chinese Democracy again.

9:07PM: Back to the Grind: “There Was a Time” has Axl at his most martyred: “I was the one who gave you everything,” he sings. Way to toot your own horn there, Axl. Chicks dig confidence. As a guitar player (a decent enough one, I’m told), I can confidently say that, despite most of these songs having five guitarists on them, the guitars are uniformly annoying. Where the tone doesn’t suck outright, whichever guy is playing is just squirreling away a million notes a minute that mean exactly fuckall. On “There Was a Time,” there’s a little interlude that sounds like a Kenny G lick. Kid you not. Axl seems to lament, “There was a time/ I would do anything for you” as if now, after all you’ve put him through, Axl just can’t do anything for you anymore. So you’ve fucked that up for yourself, whoever you are. The song could be about Slash or some chick or… who really cares? All you need to know is that it’s Axl Vs. The World and gosh, he’s just tried so hard to be nice and give you so much and this is how you repay him? For shame!

I mentioned to a friend today that I could forgive how far up his own ass Axl is on this album if the music was halfway decent. The odds are looking better for Mousavi to win the election in Iran at this point (big ups to the protesters there; Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is an Islamic Sarah Palin and the good folks of that country deserve better). “There Was a Time” is overlong, features finger-tapping (hey, guitar players: you wanna piss me off? Engage in finger-tapping), and is, so far, the low point on an album I would be complimenting by calling a shit sandwich.

9:14PM: Why JD Salinger Doesn’t Talk to Us Anymore: Ooooooooh… a literary reference from a guy whose grasp of English is worse than my dog’s, and she’s got a pretty good excuse. “The Catcher in the Rye” must have been inspired by J.D. Salinger’s book, right? Axl sings, “If I thought that I was crazy/ guess I’d have more fun” and there’s really nothing in the song that indicates to me that Axl read the book. There’s little on this album to convince me that Rose can read. Salinger is currently suing someone who wrote a sort of sequel to Catcher in the Rye. Maybe he should sue Axl over this instead. This song also has a guitar solo that sounds almost like it was patched in from an entirely different recording session. This song takes the taco for infuriating lyrics (the Taco of Lyrical Fury): “Cause what used to be’s/ Not there for me/ and ought to for someone/ That belongs/Insane/ Like I do.” Despite my drinking, kids, I didn’t mistype a single word there. What…the fuck… does it mean?

And that’s the problem: you get the feeling that Axl doesn’t know either. He’s just singing shit and playing around in a studio and the result is this  jam-packed mess. Rolling Stone, proving they’ve lost touch with reality, called Chinese Democracy “a great, audacious, unhinged and uncompromising hard-rock record.” Audacious, yes. Great? Hardly. Not even good. Kinda outside the ballpark of listenable.

“Scraped” follows “Catcher in the Rye” and it’s Axl getting back to what he does best: talking about how fucking great he is, shrieking in his whiniest voice, “Nothing’s impossible/ I am inconquerable.” Again, Axl, you’re not “inconquerable.” Nobody is “inconquerable.” It’s not a word. Dick. “Scraped” does throw a bone to any fans gullible – er, “faithful” – enough to have made this journey with Axl through these long years. He tells his listener(s?), “You know you’re stronger/ than the lies they tell you.” But I’m confused. Because he also says, “Don’t you try to stop us now”. Is he talking to the same “you”? That would seem kinda inconsistent, but since the song seems to be about how Axl is a word he made up that he thinks means “unstoppable”, I guess it doesn’t matter.

9:24PM: Ah. There’s that New Low. “Riad N’ the Bedouins” is the worst song on the album so far. Apparently, Axl is referring to someone named Riad (although, as it’s spelled, the word is derived from, I believe, the Arabic “Ryad”, meaning “garden.” ) and his or her semi-nomadic followers. He opens the song with this turdworthy verbiage: “Riad N’ the Bedouins/ Had a plan and thought they’d win/ But I don’t give a fuck ’bout them/ Cause I am crazy.” I’m pretty sure if you gave my niece dog meth, she could write better lyrics than that.  “Garden and the Bedouins” is the most egregious offender in the Holy Shit, This Song is Fucking Meaningless category. Is Axl really enemies with some semi-nomadic folks and a dude (a chick? I don’t know) who was named for Moroccan gardens? He sings about not bending his will to “nomads and barbarians”, the sort of thing you’d write about a far off land (say, the Middle East) if you’ve never fucking seen the region on a map.  Will more beer help this? Maybe, but the effects-driven guitars at the end are giving me a headache. Another palate-cleanse coming soon, though I’m still on my Stone IPA.

“Sorry” is, so far, the most unintentionally hilarious (and that’s saying something) song on Chinese Dumb-0cracy so far. “You like to hurt me/ you know that you do,” sings Axl in his “tender” tenor. I would like to hurt you, Axl. A lot. The song is a slow-burner that seethes with disdain for… well, somebody. Maybe this song is about ex-bandmates or gilfriends or… Christ. I’m not drunk enough to consider that a megalomanical, dipshit white boy with corn rows gets laid.

The hilarity continues: Axl just sang, “I’ll kick your ass like I said that I would.” Does he mean physically or musically? Either way, I have my doubts. “Sorry” continues Axl’s trend of knowing more than everyone else about how to behave and how to treat people. When, oh when, will we stop hurting poor Axl?

Part III coming up next. I think we’ll finish this thing up then: I’m going full Belgian on this bitch in a minute.

I Drink My Way Through the New Chris Cornell Album pt. 2 (in which I Take a Moment to Endorse Ninkasi Brewery)

That’s the same album cover, right?

9:52: “Take Me Alive” – If you’re just joining us, this is part 2 of my Live Blogging/Drinking through the new Chris Cornell album, Scream. Tim Balind produced it. And it sucks.  I’m currently listening to track 8 of this shit sandwich (is there something worse than a shit sandwich that I can call this album? I smell a Bollocks! contest coming up. Anyone wanna win a copy of Middle Cyclone?). The song is called… hold on, lemme check… okay. It’s called “Long Gone,” and it’s kinda balladish. The Chris Cornell/Megatron chorus effect is singing all sensitive like. I guess his woman is long gone. Can’t blame her though, he said that bitch ain’t a part of him. Beer update: Still working my way through the Tricerahops. It’s a great beer, like if you took your favorite IPA and turned it up to 11. So far, Ninkasi Brewery is winning and Chris Cromagnon is losing (did I misspell my caveman reference? I’m a little buzzed. Thank you, Tricerahops. Thank you so much). I’m editing the file info in Winamp. “Long Gone” is now labeled as “Long Song.”

Note – I have now begun staring longingly at my other, better albums. I could be listening to Regina Spektor or Pavement right now. Must be strong.

10:00PM: More beer – We’re on to the title track and I’m out of Tricerahops. Hold on a sec…

All right. I’ve moved on to Nikasi’s Believer Double Red Ale. These guys have an awesome habit of doubling things. Don’t let the name fool ya – this double red is dark brown like a good cup of coffee. Let’s take a smell while it’s still got the head on it – it has the nice roasted odor of good amber ale, though. Smells like a Fat Tire on steroids.  Let’s quaff this monster: Sure ’nuff tastes like a red. Slight sweetness, bit of a bite to it. Almost a coffee aftertaste like you’d expect in a porter. Ninkasi trades in heavy brews and I love them for it. The next time you’re in Eugene, Oregon, find some of this brewery’s beer and give it all of your love. All of it!

Fuck. I’m supposed to be listening to Chris Cornell’s new album. Where was I?

10:07 pm: Oh yeah. The title track – Chris Cornell, unsurprisingly, has the title and titular line of this album. We’re still trending pop-ballady here. Which means the beats are programmed slower. This beer is really good. Did I mention that? Oh. I think we’re to the chorus of the song. Something about “Messing with my brain when you wanna see me fall.” That reminds me – Psychonauts is a great video game. I guess this song could be considered ironic because he croons “Why you keep screaming at the top of your head?” on the chorus. This album is super shitty.  It’s the kind of thing you would think should be a joke, but it is (unfortunately) convincing me, slowly, that Joaquin Phoenix’s hip-hop career move might be legit after all.

Know what I hate? When a singer records one vocal track and then records another one echoing the lyrics they just sang. As on “Scream,” the title and titular song (do you get that reference? If so, send all of your ass-pennies to Bollocks! care of Rebecca Mellor, 705 Imaginary Office, Van Nuys, CA 91405) where Cornell echoes himself singing “Not my fault” or some shit. He also says he “used to think that silence was golden.” I still think that, Chris Cornell. Because of you, I think it so hard right now.

10: 13 pm: Douchebag Raver Bullshit – We’re back to the club beats on Scream. I really don’t get this. Chris Cornell used to be able to sing. Check out Temple of the Dog’s “All Night Thing” if you don’t believe that shit. But he hardly uses his voice on this album. He lets T.M.B. Lind digitize, autotune, and synthesize the life out of his voice. He rarely sounds human. Is this album some sort of weird cry for help? Scream is so shitty that I would rather listen to Kanye West’s 808s and Heartbreak and that album is like nails on a goddamn chalkboard to me. (I am now looking at my Hold Steady albums the way my dog looks at me when she knows I’m going to leave for several hours.) I’m listening to a song called “Enemy” now and its chorus is similar to the chorus of “Time” in that Cornell thinks repeating one word over and over makes a chorus. Christ. Incidentally, my band is discussing doing a cover of “You’ve Gotta Dance (with Who You Came With)” by The Hold Steady. I’m gonna learn the guitar part tomorrow and it is thunderously awesome.

A break while Chorpenning listens to “You Gotta Dance (with Who You Came With)” by The Hold Steady.

10:52 pm: My girlfriend has called from Portland – so I have paused Scream for the last half an hour or so. It’s kinda nice. Also, she called during my Hold Steady break, so I’ll go back to them before I go back to Chris Cornell. The Double Red Ale is still amazing.

10:57 pm: Pee Break.

10:58: pm: Say a prayer for the cityscape skins… – Hold Steady break. God, this is great. I love you, Craig Finn. Tad Kubler, sir… what can I say? You are the last great guitar hero. Bless you sir.

11:00 pm: Back to this fucking Chris Cornell album – I’m listening to “The Other Side of Town”, where Cornell sings “there was a part of me that she didn’t know”, which I hope means this is a song about him being a werewolf.

Wait for it…

Nope. It’s not about him being a werewolf. It’s about how Chris Cornell hates women. Who knew? Three songs to go. The beer is holding up nicely. I think the Double Red is a bit better even than the Tricerahops, which is like saying that I like one Tom Waits song more than another Tom Waits song. They’re both infinitely awesome, but one is transcendentally awesome, like awesome that has to manufacture and then occupy entire new dimensions of space. Pretty much the opposite of Scream.

I Drink My Way Through the New Chris Cornell Album (or, What the Fuck is Wrong with Me?) Pt. 1

Okay. It’s Saturday night. The girlfriend is out of town, friends are busy, but I have a few tall beers from the Ninkasi Brewery in Eugene, Oregon. Might as well crack one open and listen to… the new Chris Cornell album. The one that Timbalind produced.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Well, you gotta make your own damn fun in the world sometimes so I’ve decided to get drunk enough to sit through Chris Cornell’s entire Scream album and write a review of it. Why would I do this? I do it for you, my loyal 6 to 9 readers (on average). For your entertainment. And edification.  I’m doing this more or less live, and I’ll go back and proofread it later. These are my unfiltered feelings on Scream.

9:19 pm. It Begins – My first beer of the night is the Ninkasi Tricerahops, their double – double – IPA. Special thanks to Jacques for the Ninkasi brews.

All right, Cornell, do your worst.

His worst is pretty bad, and damned if he hasn’t been trying to do his worst ever since Soundgarden broke up. I was a huge fan of theirs, especially Badmotorfinger and Superunknown. I know the radio made you sick of “Black Hole Sun,” but that album is straight up raucous from start to finish. But enough about that. Let’s live in the now.

Scream starts off with a synthesized horn fan-fare, the kind of obvious douchebag maneuver I’d expect from Kanye West. That introduces “Part of Me,” the chorus of which is “No, that bitch ain’t a part of me.” This all sung in Cornell’s whiny new R&B voice. Timbalind, in his infinite wisdom, decided to digitize Cornell’s voice on the chorus so that Cornell sounds like Megatron. Except I don’t recall Megatron ever being such a blatant fucking misogynist. If anyone in my band wrote a song this bad, I’d assault them. That is how bad this is. Ya know how Trent Reznor’s recent output has been kinda middlin’ lately? Well, upon hearing Scream, he Twittered (or “Twatted” as Stephen Colbert puts it) that he felt embarrassed for Chris Cornell. Me too, Trent. Me too.

“Part of Me” is waaaaaaaaaay too long. Tricerahops to the rescue! The song ends with a guitar flourish right out of 80′s Journey. Meaning it ends with a shitty guitar doodle.

9:25: MTV Party to Go – The songs seem to all blend together, as “Time” has started immediately from the Journey-esque shitstorm that ends “Part of Me”. You know, like those old MTV Party mix tapes they used to have? The chorus of “Time” consists of Cornell singing the word “Time” over and over in his Woman-hating Megatron voice and occasionally caterwauling “I wish we could rewind.” I think he means he wishes he could rewind time. I wish I could rewind time too, Chris. I’d go back to 9pm tonight and decide to listen to Middle Cyclone for the gazillionth time instead of taking  on this fool’s errand…. but no. I must not waver. It’s you or me, Chris Cornell/Megatron. And I have good beer on my side.

9:30: Chris Cornell Hates Your Girlfriend – “Nowadays I think like a woman/ I’ve been looking for blood,” Cornell sings on “Sweet Revenge.” Perhaps Audioslave broke up because the progressive chaps who used to be in Rage Against the Fact that We Sound Like the Beastie Boys grew tired of Chris Cornell’s constant misogynist tirades.  Wait. No. Audioslave broke up because they fucking sucked. Anyway… “Sweet Revenge” has a completely Auto-Tuned chorus. It’s as if Cornell and Timbalind set out to make a party album for douchebags who want to throw a theme party where the theme is “Proving the Utter Extent of Our Douchebaggery.” Scream is the Platonic ideal of douchebaggery.

9:36: Not nearly drunk enough – Fuck fuck fuck. I’m only four songs into this motherfucker. I’m listening to a song called “Get Up.” I used to think Chris Cornell had a good voice, but Timbalind apparently doesn’t think so because Cornell doesn’t seem to sing a single note on Scream that isn’t covered in digital jizz. “Get Up” has a guitar part toward the end that is exactly the kind of distorted guitar part you would use if you were an over-rated pop producer who has clearly never heard anyone play a real electric guitar.

“Get Up” has meandered into “Ground Zero.”  “Ground Zero” has less digital bullshit, but there’s still plenty of digital bullshit. This seems to be one of the platitude-filled, trite-ass (trite-cera-tops?) “positive” songs that Cornell has been coughing up lately (think “Be Yourself,” that really shitty single off the last Audiosuck album.  When I was a kid, he sang “I know I’m headin’ for the bottom/ but I’m riding you all the way.” That’s way more compelling than this shit)

9:42 p.m. Oh fuck. A love song – “Never Far Away” is next and the Megatron voice is back singing about how “You are the road I travel/ you were the words I write”. Wait a minute. Five songs ago, this asshole wanted “the girl/ but not what she’s going through.” We’re supposed to believe that this same motherfucker’s soul is saved by his lady love? (Not making this up. He sings, “I don’t have to pray anymore/ because my soul is saved”). The chorus of this song is unintelligible, but seems like it wouldn’t be out of place in a Nickelback song. Hey, Timbalind! You clearly hate music. Why not raise the stakes a little next time out and produce a Nickelback album? Can you make them worse?

Note: I’m gonna cap each part of this review at about 1000 words, so be sure to stay tuned for parts 2 through Whatever.

9:48 p.m. This is good beer – I’m halfway through. This song is called “Take Me Alive.” In the immortal words of J. Alfred Prufrock, I’d prefer not to (this beer is quite effective; not only is it delicious, but I’m buzzed enough that I can’t remember if the Eliot poem to which I’m referring is called “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” or not. I may have added the “J.”)