I Drink My Way Through the New Chris Cornell Pile of Shit Pt. 3 (In Which I Implore Neko Case to Kill Chris Cornell and Raise A Toast to St. Joe Strummer)

This is a tattoo someone got of a monkey looking at its own asshole. If that doesn’t sum up Chis Cornell’s Scream, I don’t know what does. This should, dog willing, be the last installment of my live (drunk) blog experience of this Chris Cornell/ Timbalind partnership in ruining everything that is good about life. Word.

11:06 pm: Almost out of Red Ale – But that’s okay. I saved the best for last. I’ll take on the last three tracks of Cornell’s monumental piece of shit while drinking Ninkasi’s oatmeal stout. Right now, I’m on track 12 (of 14), which is called “Climbing Up the Walls.” That reminds me of a Radiohead song on OK Computer. You know what OK Computer has in common with Scream? Fucking nothing. OK Computer is a magnificent album and Scream is dog shit personified. What can I say about this song? It’s bearable, in the context of this wholly unbearable album, but again, the chorus is just Chris Cornell (in Megatron Voice) repeating the title of the songs. Did he pick the song names first and then try to figure out ways to make sure that no one forgot them? I’m thinking of the (I think) four songs I’ve written for my band. I think one of them mentions the  song title in the chorus. Maybe two of them. Too drunk too care.

11:11 pm: A Note about Jamming all the songs together - So little Double Red Ale left. What the fuck am I listening to? Oh yeah. “Watch Out.” This song, like all the other songs on Scream, is impressively terrible. Seriously. If you set out to write the worst pop song you could think of, it probably wouldn’t be as shitty as anything on Scream. Jesus God, this album blows. Cornell is still content to let his digitized Megatron voice sing all the choruses for him. Hey, Chris Cornell! I’ve got an idea. A duel: your album cover (you jumping and pretending to smash an expensive guitar) vs. Neko Case’s Middle Cyclone cover (her, car surfing with a goddamn motherfuckin’ broadsword). Neko Case disembowels Chris Cornell for the win.

11:?? pm: It’s motherfucking Oatis time – Out of Ninkasi Believer Double Red. I’ve moved on to the grand finale: Ninkasi Oatis Oatmeal Stout. It’s got a sweet but pungent bouquet, probably like the cologne Tom Waits wore on his wedding day. I’m responding to this beer in way that can only be considered Pavlovian. A taste, perhaps?  Oh… my… god. This beer… this beer is… hold on. Look: if you love dark beer, you need this. Now. I don’t care where you are; drive to Eugene, Oregon and get you some Ninkasi Oatis Oatmeal Stout. Holy mother of god, this is a dark beer that comes right up to the Holy Guinness Line of Greatness and says, “You’re good. But I’m motherfucking Oatis.” This… this is a great goddamn beer. So great, in fact, that I’m going to take a minute to savor it whilst I listen to a good song. Perhaps… um… okay. There is only one song that matches the unsurpassed Awesomeness of Ninkasi Oatis Oatmeal Stout.  Not surprisingly,  it is “Tom Traubert’s Blues (Four Sheets to the Wind in Copenhagen”) by Mr. Thomas Alan Waits. Holy fuck. This. Is. Great. Beer. It is perfect. Smoky. Roasty. Hoppy. Beautiful. Sweet Zombie Jesus, I love this beer. Do I really have to finish listening to Chris Cocksucking Cornell?

11:33 pm: Yes. Yes I do – I’m on the bonus track now. “Two Drink Minimum.”  It starts like a bad Audioslave song (trick assertion – there are no good Audioslave songs) I think this is supposed to be a bluesy song. It still sucks.

Okay. I’m done with Scream. If you could not surmise, from these live, uncensored entries, my feelings toward Chris Cornell’s new album, let me just say that I would rather shit razor blades than listen to it again. In fact…

A List of Songs I have to listen to, while drinking Ninkasi Oatis Oatmeal Stout, to cleanse my palette after listening to Chris Cornell’s Scream album:

“Tom Traubert’s Blues” by Tom Waits. ’nuff said. It’s Tom fucking Waits. If you don’t get it, I can’t help you.

“Redemption Song” – the Joe Strummer version. Meaning, “the definitive version.” Jesus Christ. I miss you, Joe Strummer. And I never fucking knew you. But you’d love Ninkasi’s Oatis.

“Magpie to the Morning” by Neko Case. “He sings ‘I am for you special’/ He knows you’re afraid of the dark.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Middle Cyclone is a goddamn beautiful album. Listen to it. Now. In fact, I think I will…

“The Geese of Beverly Road” by The National. “We’re the heirs to the glimmering world.” Especially when we’re drinking Ninkasi’s Oatis Oatmeal Stout. I do not use these words lightly: Oatis is a perfect beer. A… perfect… beer. Perfect. “Hey love/ we’ll get away with it/ we’ll run like we’re awesome/ totally genius.”

“Anywhere I Lay My Head” by Tom Waits. Fuck you, Kanye West. Tom Waits is the voice of every generation. He cries so you don’t have to.

“Constructive Summer” by The Hold Steady. You know what? Our psalms are sing-along songs.

“The Slow Descent into Alcoholism” by The New Pornographers. That about sums it up.

“On the Road” by Tom Waits. For some reason, Tom Waits is the perfect compliment t0 dark beer.

“I Am Trying to Break Your Heart” by Wilco. I love Wilco. I was single for three years in college and Wilco was indispensable to me. Fortunately, I don’t need them for that now.

“Most People Are DJ’s” by The Hold Steady. What can I say? I’ve drank my way through a Chris Cornell album and I still feel pretty sweet. Thank you, Ninkasi Brewery. Thank you, Jacques. And thank you, Tom Waits and The Hold Fucking Steady.

That’s it. I’ve consumed 66 ounces of beer to get through Chris Cornell’s Scream album. It blows. I defy anyone to like this fucker. I posted, in part 2 of this review, a picture of Budweiser with Clamato, a photo that was not altered in any way. Why did I do that? Because, when I first saw Budweiser with Clamato, I wondered to myself, “What kind of asshole would buy this shit?” And now I know the answer: anyone who likes Chris Cornell’s Scream probably also likes their Budweiser with Clamato in it. Which means they are not to be trusted. Which means that, if you know anyone who likes one or both of these things, you should probably drive a stake throught their heart, just to be sure.

I Drink My Way Through the New Chris Cornell Album pt. 2 (in which I Take a Moment to Endorse Ninkasi Brewery)

That’s the same album cover, right?

9:52: “Take Me Alive” – If you’re just joining us, this is part 2 of my Live Blogging/Drinking through the new Chris Cornell album, Scream. Tim Balind produced it. And it sucks.  I’m currently listening to track 8 of this shit sandwich (is there something worse than a shit sandwich that I can call this album? I smell a Bollocks! contest coming up. Anyone wanna win a copy of Middle Cyclone?). The song is called… hold on, lemme check… okay. It’s called “Long Gone,” and it’s kinda balladish. The Chris Cornell/Megatron chorus effect is singing all sensitive like. I guess his woman is long gone. Can’t blame her though, he said that bitch ain’t a part of him. Beer update: Still working my way through the Tricerahops. It’s a great beer, like if you took your favorite IPA and turned it up to 11. So far, Ninkasi Brewery is winning and Chris Cromagnon is losing (did I misspell my caveman reference? I’m a little buzzed. Thank you, Tricerahops. Thank you so much). I’m editing the file info in Winamp. “Long Gone” is now labeled as “Long Song.”

Note – I have now begun staring longingly at my other, better albums. I could be listening to Regina Spektor or Pavement right now. Must be strong.

10:00PM: More beer – We’re on to the title track and I’m out of Tricerahops. Hold on a sec…

All right. I’ve moved on to Nikasi’s Believer Double Red Ale. These guys have an awesome habit of doubling things. Don’t let the name fool ya – this double red is dark brown like a good cup of coffee. Let’s take a smell while it’s still got the head on it – it has the nice roasted odor of good amber ale, though. Smells like a Fat Tire on steroids.  Let’s quaff this monster: Sure ’nuff tastes like a red. Slight sweetness, bit of a bite to it. Almost a coffee aftertaste like you’d expect in a porter. Ninkasi trades in heavy brews and I love them for it. The next time you’re in Eugene, Oregon, find some of this brewery’s beer and give it all of your love. All of it!

Fuck. I’m supposed to be listening to Chris Cornell’s new album. Where was I?

10:07 pm: Oh yeah. The title track – Chris Cornell, unsurprisingly, has the title and titular line of this album. We’re still trending pop-ballady here. Which means the beats are programmed slower. This beer is really good. Did I mention that? Oh. I think we’re to the chorus of the song. Something about “Messing with my brain when you wanna see me fall.” That reminds me – Psychonauts is a great video game. I guess this song could be considered ironic because he croons “Why you keep screaming at the top of your head?” on the chorus. This album is super shitty.  It’s the kind of thing you would think should be a joke, but it is (unfortunately) convincing me, slowly, that Joaquin Phoenix’s hip-hop career move might be legit after all.

Know what I hate? When a singer records one vocal track and then records another one echoing the lyrics they just sang. As on “Scream,” the title and titular song (do you get that reference? If so, send all of your ass-pennies to Bollocks! care of Rebecca Mellor, 705 Imaginary Office, Van Nuys, CA 91405) where Cornell echoes himself singing “Not my fault” or some shit. He also says he “used to think that silence was golden.” I still think that, Chris Cornell. Because of you, I think it so hard right now.

10: 13 pm: Douchebag Raver Bullshit – We’re back to the club beats on Scream. I really don’t get this. Chris Cornell used to be able to sing. Check out Temple of the Dog’s “All Night Thing” if you don’t believe that shit. But he hardly uses his voice on this album. He lets T.M.B. Lind digitize, autotune, and synthesize the life out of his voice. He rarely sounds human. Is this album some sort of weird cry for help? Scream is so shitty that I would rather listen to Kanye West’s 808s and Heartbreak and that album is like nails on a goddamn chalkboard to me. (I am now looking at my Hold Steady albums the way my dog looks at me when she knows I’m going to leave for several hours.) I’m listening to a song called “Enemy” now and its chorus is similar to the chorus of “Time” in that Cornell thinks repeating one word over and over makes a chorus. Christ. Incidentally, my band is discussing doing a cover of “You’ve Gotta Dance (with Who You Came With)” by The Hold Steady. I’m gonna learn the guitar part tomorrow and it is thunderously awesome.

A break while Chorpenning listens to “You Gotta Dance (with Who You Came With)” by The Hold Steady.

10:52 pm: My girlfriend has called from Portland – so I have paused Scream for the last half an hour or so. It’s kinda nice. Also, she called during my Hold Steady break, so I’ll go back to them before I go back to Chris Cornell. The Double Red Ale is still amazing.

10:57 pm: Pee Break.

10:58: pm: Say a prayer for the cityscape skins… – Hold Steady break. God, this is great. I love you, Craig Finn. Tad Kubler, sir… what can I say? You are the last great guitar hero. Bless you sir.

11:00 pm: Back to this fucking Chris Cornell album – I’m listening to “The Other Side of Town”, where Cornell sings “there was a part of me that she didn’t know”, which I hope means this is a song about him being a werewolf.

Wait for it…

Nope. It’s not about him being a werewolf. It’s about how Chris Cornell hates women. Who knew? Three songs to go. The beer is holding up nicely. I think the Double Red is a bit better even than the Tricerahops, which is like saying that I like one Tom Waits song more than another Tom Waits song. They’re both infinitely awesome, but one is transcendentally awesome, like awesome that has to manufacture and then occupy entire new dimensions of space. Pretty much the opposite of Scream.

I Drink My Way Through the New Chris Cornell Album (or, What the Fuck is Wrong with Me?) Pt. 1

Okay. It’s Saturday night. The girlfriend is out of town, friends are busy, but I have a few tall beers from the Ninkasi Brewery in Eugene, Oregon. Might as well crack one open and listen to… the new Chris Cornell album. The one that Timbalind produced.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Well, you gotta make your own damn fun in the world sometimes so I’ve decided to get drunk enough to sit through Chris Cornell’s entire Scream album and write a review of it. Why would I do this? I do it for you, my loyal 6 to 9 readers (on average). For your entertainment. And edification.  I’m doing this more or less live, and I’ll go back and proofread it later. These are my unfiltered feelings on Scream.

9:19 pm. It Begins – My first beer of the night is the Ninkasi Tricerahops, their double – double – IPA. Special thanks to Jacques for the Ninkasi brews.

All right, Cornell, do your worst.

His worst is pretty bad, and damned if he hasn’t been trying to do his worst ever since Soundgarden broke up. I was a huge fan of theirs, especially Badmotorfinger and Superunknown. I know the radio made you sick of “Black Hole Sun,” but that album is straight up raucous from start to finish. But enough about that. Let’s live in the now.

Scream starts off with a synthesized horn fan-fare, the kind of obvious douchebag maneuver I’d expect from Kanye West. That introduces “Part of Me,” the chorus of which is “No, that bitch ain’t a part of me.” This all sung in Cornell’s whiny new R&B voice. Timbalind, in his infinite wisdom, decided to digitize Cornell’s voice on the chorus so that Cornell sounds like Megatron. Except I don’t recall Megatron ever being such a blatant fucking misogynist. If anyone in my band wrote a song this bad, I’d assault them. That is how bad this is. Ya know how Trent Reznor’s recent output has been kinda middlin’ lately? Well, upon hearing Scream, he Twittered (or “Twatted” as Stephen Colbert puts it) that he felt embarrassed for Chris Cornell. Me too, Trent. Me too.

“Part of Me” is waaaaaaaaaay too long. Tricerahops to the rescue! The song ends with a guitar flourish right out of 80′s Journey. Meaning it ends with a shitty guitar doodle.

9:25: MTV Party to Go – The songs seem to all blend together, as “Time” has started immediately from the Journey-esque shitstorm that ends “Part of Me”. You know, like those old MTV Party mix tapes they used to have? The chorus of “Time” consists of Cornell singing the word “Time” over and over in his Woman-hating Megatron voice and occasionally caterwauling “I wish we could rewind.” I think he means he wishes he could rewind time. I wish I could rewind time too, Chris. I’d go back to 9pm tonight and decide to listen to Middle Cyclone for the gazillionth time instead of taking  on this fool’s errand…. but no. I must not waver. It’s you or me, Chris Cornell/Megatron. And I have good beer on my side.

9:30: Chris Cornell Hates Your Girlfriend – “Nowadays I think like a woman/ I’ve been looking for blood,” Cornell sings on “Sweet Revenge.” Perhaps Audioslave broke up because the progressive chaps who used to be in Rage Against the Fact that We Sound Like the Beastie Boys grew tired of Chris Cornell’s constant misogynist tirades.  Wait. No. Audioslave broke up because they fucking sucked. Anyway… “Sweet Revenge” has a completely Auto-Tuned chorus. It’s as if Cornell and Timbalind set out to make a party album for douchebags who want to throw a theme party where the theme is “Proving the Utter Extent of Our Douchebaggery.” Scream is the Platonic ideal of douchebaggery.

9:36: Not nearly drunk enough – Fuck fuck fuck. I’m only four songs into this motherfucker. I’m listening to a song called “Get Up.” I used to think Chris Cornell had a good voice, but Timbalind apparently doesn’t think so because Cornell doesn’t seem to sing a single note on Scream that isn’t covered in digital jizz. “Get Up” has a guitar part toward the end that is exactly the kind of distorted guitar part you would use if you were an over-rated pop producer who has clearly never heard anyone play a real electric guitar.

“Get Up” has meandered into “Ground Zero.”  “Ground Zero” has less digital bullshit, but there’s still plenty of digital bullshit. This seems to be one of the platitude-filled, trite-ass (trite-cera-tops?) “positive” songs that Cornell has been coughing up lately (think “Be Yourself,” that really shitty single off the last Audiosuck album.  When I was a kid, he sang “I know I’m headin’ for the bottom/ but I’m riding you all the way.” That’s way more compelling than this shit)

9:42 p.m. Oh fuck. A love song – “Never Far Away” is next and the Megatron voice is back singing about how “You are the road I travel/ you were the words I write”. Wait a minute. Five songs ago, this asshole wanted “the girl/ but not what she’s going through.” We’re supposed to believe that this same motherfucker’s soul is saved by his lady love? (Not making this up. He sings, “I don’t have to pray anymore/ because my soul is saved”). The chorus of this song is unintelligible, but seems like it wouldn’t be out of place in a Nickelback song. Hey, Timbalind! You clearly hate music. Why not raise the stakes a little next time out and produce a Nickelback album? Can you make them worse?

Note: I’m gonna cap each part of this review at about 1000 words, so be sure to stay tuned for parts 2 through Whatever.

9:48 p.m. This is good beer – I’m halfway through. This song is called “Take Me Alive.” In the immortal words of J. Alfred Prufrock, I’d prefer not to (this beer is quite effective; not only is it delicious, but I’m buzzed enough that I can’t remember if the Eliot poem to which I’m referring is called “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” or not. I may have added the “J.”)

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Is nothing fucking sacred anymore?

I just found out that My Chemical Romance covered Bob Dylan’s “Desolation Row” for the Watchmen soundtrack. I just watched the fucking video on YouTube. The whole thing. Guess I’m lucky they didn’t cover all 11 minutes of it. But still, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

Fuck you, My Chemical Romance. Fuck you in the face.

My Chemical Romance’s latest crime against music came at the expense of my favorite Bob Dylan tune. Such an atrocity can only be interpreted as an act of war and I shall respond in kind.

This aggression will not stand, Dude.